Seven

I really don't know what to say. I remember reading this last week and didn't know what to say then either. I find it hard to judge your poems because you say they are lyrics. As a poem goes I would say this piece doesnt move me much. I say that because I don't understand its point or where its coming from. as a song.... If I didn't listen to the words closely it might be an amazing song. But if I love the song and on the 3rd time listening to it tried to make out it's story or point I would be baffled. So sorry I couldn't be of much help here.

My hands are full of splinters
My spit is full of blood
These thoughts are sending shivers
It's sad that that's enough

*I'm not sure why you have the last line. Everything else makes sense, like it's leading up to something, but the last line kinda messes things up*

And this ones for the silence
Awkward instances
And this ones for the violence
And the fun we've had with it

*You don't have to capatilize the "ands". And you don't have any periods, so it's like one big run on. I'd fix that.*

'Cause we're all shattered
Into seven different lives
We all scatter
Run and try to hide
'Cause we're all splinters
Sunk deep into the skin
No more research
Into why we live in sin

*Who is we? I would have used a diffent word besides splinters, since you already used it. I'm not really sure where this is going though.*

My stomachs full of splinters
My mind is full of shit
You know that we're all winners
If everyone just quits

*Okay now it's annoying. Saying "splinters a hundred times doesn't help your song. That's not even the name of the song so why use it? There are other words you can use besides that. I do like the last two lines, very clever.*

My eyes are full of splinters
Because of this I see
Through all of these winters
I still lust for your body

*This stanza was kinda random. Throws off the song a little*

And this ones for the envy
That grows inside us all
And this ones for the heavy
Hands that kill us all

*Hands needs to be lowercase since your continuing it from the line above it. Other than that this part is the most thought out*

'Cause we're all shattered
Into seven different lives
We all scatter
Run and try to hide
'Cause we're all splinters
Sunk deep into the skin
No more research
Into why we live in sin

Now we're down to the end
Of this world here my friend
Grab what you can, what you can
Though where we're all going
There's no need for gloating
Make amends, make amends

*Another random stanza. Your story line is confusing and your emotions are very unclear. The only thing that's constant is the flow*

And this ones for heaven
Where you could be alone
And this ones for the seven
Reasons we're below

'Cause we're all shattered
Into seven different lives
We all scatter
Run and try to hide
'Cause we're all splinters
Sunk deep into the skin
No more research
Into why we live in sin

*Hope I was able to help. This isn't a bad song, it could just use some work. Nik*

I found this to be a really well written piece, not much of a song though in my perspective. I think the metaphors you chose were spectacular, a great idea which you actually elaborated on. Then you chose a great repetition of "This is for . . . " Which seemed to be an almost angry kind of chant. Rebellious even which was also very good. It added very well to the overall effect of your song.

In some places the flow was off, I didn't completely like the words you chose and you just seemed to have forced out the rhymes.

"And this ones for the envy
That grows inside us all
And this ones for the heavy
Hands that kill us all"

^As an example, what exactly do you mean by 'heavy'? It seems here all you did was try to find a word that rhymed with envy. If it was supposed to mean something, you were unable to get this idea across and should try more clarity in your idea. 4/5