Comments : Sugar Ration

  • 15 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    'Your smiles are rare, something to savor
    --comparable to rationing sugar
    in the belly of world war.'
    `Loved your beginning here, it was rather unexpected and unique. I did not expect to hear that a smile was comparable to something so random.. like sugar.. but I can see where you would get that, how someones smile is beautiful and sweet.. hence the usage of sugar. I dont think the '--' is needed before comparable, I dont see the point of having it there.. although it does make a nice pause in the action of your writing, put it after comparable. It works better.

    'I'm hidden away safely.
    Ankle deep in sugar,
    and up to my eyes
    in smiles.'
    `Although sugar and smiles is being repetitive here, I really loved what you said, it was really unique and interesting to read and far from any cliche phrasing.

    'Convinced you've expired,
    you've made yourself an easy target.'
    `Convinced you're expired - wow. I have never heard of expired used in that way, I really loved that.

    'Why don't you recheck the date?'
    `I wasnt much of a fan of 'recheck' here, I think a different word would sound better. It just seemed like an awkward word. Reconsider? - would that work?

    Interesting beginning and you only built on that idea throughout your entire poem. You held my attention from beginning to end. I think that means youve written a great piece.. and you have. :]

    5/5.

  • 15 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    OOPS - I meant to say. Put your two dashes '--' after savor.

  • 15 years ago

    by GoodMorning

    Thanks a lot, Temps! (:
    I meant to fix the dash thing before I posted.
    I had written it in word, and was doing a lot of copying/pasting. The dashes ended up there accidentally. :P Haha.

    And I agree with you completely about recheck sounding awkward. I considered reconsider.. but it didn't seem the right fit. I'll reconsider. ;P

  • 15 years ago

    by Ben

    I thiink this is the onne you were telling me about love? but i like what you've done with it xD its awesome =D kinda obscure, but that makes it even moree awesome ilylaphlp