Makeup invades my eyes
within seconds
sharp stinging
like needles
puncture
deep.

*This was my favorite part. I love how you wrote this. It's the way you form the lines makes it look like a waterfall. That's very cool.I love the imagery as well, very beautiful for a sad poem. Not your best, but still good ^.^ I enjoyed reading this. Keep up the great work Temps. Nik*

Your title remind me of the song "don't go chasing waterfalls la la la.." Haha okay moving on.

"Emotions overflow like rapid
waterfalls, as a light
pound in my head
shakes
tears
free."
^I didn't like your opening stanza. The flow was all over the place and it took me a while to get through it. Here my suggestions.

"Emotions overflow like rapid"
^I think it would be better "Emotions overflow AS rapid"

"pound in my head"
^"pounding" would sound better in my opinion but I could see you shortened it so it follows the style. It was a bit rocky for me though.

"Makeup invades my eyes
within seconds
sharp stinging
like needles
puncture
deep."
^Brilliant. I liked your use of the word "invade" cause it shows that the makeup is entering a place its not wanted. "Puncture" was good too.

"Oblivious...that's me.
To this random
occurence of
sorrow.
I wonder..."
^You don't need the "that's me" It adds nothing to the poem. Just oblivious alone sounds better but again I see you're trying to be consistent with the form. It seemed forced in the first line of this stanza.

"occurence"
^Its actually spelled..."occurrence"

"Why at this very moment
did everything
just suddenly...
hit me
hard?"
^You don't need the "..." Powerful question though.

I think the ended could have been a little more powerful but ending it with a simple question was effective. There is a lot of potential in this poem and I like to see you experimenting with new styles and forms. It shows you want to grow as a poet and not always be stuck on the same type of poem. That's good. I could tell this came straight from your heart because it was packed with emotion but there was just something missing to take it to the level of "amazingness" but maybe that's just me.

Great poem.

"I'm unsure of the answer.
Can someone
tell me whats
wrong? Is
everything
okay?

~ the word "okay", maybe "alright?" :)
This poem of yours strikes me. It had a lot of emotions. Thanx- for the tips you gave.

Great work,5/5! Congratulations!

I thought this was a very powerful and deep poem Temps. Well done, the style was easy to read and the flow was smooth. I loved your word choice and the similes you used, very effective on the reader! Excellent work as always, 5/5 from me. Take care and happy Fourth of July!

~MaryAnne

Temps,

This looks so pretty upon the page:)
The content is one I can relate to, in both ways. I have met people who made me feel this way and also I have made other feel this.

I think what it all boils down to is that something inside is stirring: a pain, or emotions not worked through properly and this causes someone to act in a way not related to anything the other has done. It is very upsetting and nerve wrecking. Often, we lose people because of this behaviour, only the ones who really love us, stay.
I feel for you girl, I know you are going through a tough time. I hope all will work out for the best in the end.

*hugs*

5/5 Ingrid

//Emotions overflow like rapid
waterfalls, as light
pounding
shakes
tears
free.//

^^ these lines make me picture as if emotions have hit you hard just like a rapid waterfall as fall down and hits the water below... loved the imgery...

I'm unsure of the answer.
Can someone
tell me whats
wrong? Is
everything
okay?

^^ I just so loved the ending... the questions leave a mark on the readers... beautifully penned...

The lay out for this was pleasing to the eye. Words flowed with ease and were filled with emotion.
an A+ for originality