And once more, it entered my thoughts.
It had not for a time, but it came to me now...
Where do you go, in that place so dark?
Why can I not bring you back?
I, who am closer to you than any other.
We are two halves, but somehow I do not seem to make you whole.
For that, I am deeply sorry.
My heart's desire is your happiness.
My dearest wish is to understand you,
To touch your soul and find what is troubling you,
So that I might take away your burdens and sorrows.
But alas, dear sir, I feel I have failed you.
Where I seek to comfort you, I see that I only remind you of what you wish to forget.
And when you do not rise from your pale slumber, even as I entreat you to wake,
I am at a loss for words.
You wish for a distraction.
And oh, how easily do others provide such for you.
They are everything I wish to be - your release, your light, your hope, your joy -
In that place so dark that you visit so often.
But please, hear me good sir, I must beg of you.
I do not speak of frivolous things to you
Because I feel that it is not right.
How, I ask, does one talk of the weather or music or books or festivities
While the listener's heart is hollow?
My goal is to fill your heart, because I love you, with more than emptiness.
But I fear that I continue to fall short of achieving said goal.
...Perhaps my aim is not straight.
Perhaps I am searching for the key to your freedom from that place so dark
In all the wrong places.
They have found it many times, but, and I am ashamed to say, I know not how.
What do they say that brings a smile back to your lips?
What is it that they do to return the sparkle to your eyes?
How do they set your mind and heart at ease?
My heart is pained because I cannot find the answer.
But I should know!
I, who loves you more than anything, more than anyone else ever will!
But wait...no...
I do know the path, but I cannot follow.
Some unseen forsaken barrier blocks my way.
They understand you, they know you.
And why can I not?
Why is it so difficult for me?
...Oh what an excellent hypocrite I make...
Here I sit, telling you that I only want you to be happy,
Yet even at this moment, I am pulling you back into the darkness
With all of my tedious wonderings and paranoid troubles.
How selfish I am...
Please forgive me, my dear sir.
I really am truly glad when you are happy.
I was only frustrated and...perhaps...upset...
That I tried so hard to rescue you from that place so dark
And could not prevail.
While they, who I thought were not closer to you than I,
Arrived so quickly to revive you from helplessness.
Again, I am ashamed.
This time because I am, again, being so selfish.
This whole ordeal seems to be more about me and my wants than you and yours.
You were happy, and look what I have done.
I have gone and taken some of that from you.
I am so sorry, my love.
Ignore me, ignore this, lest you fall once more into that place so dark.
I am still afraid that I will not be able to pull you up.
So forget this, do not dwell on it, for it is the past now.
I have let it out.
Only remember, my dearest sir, that I love you.
I love you with all of my heart.
