Do You Want To Hear A Secret?

"I guess demented angels do exist."
that line spoke to me
it was beautiful and was a great image

i read the other two comments
and i agree with the first comment
"Empty bottles lay shattered, dying,"
the word dying doesnt really need to be there
i find it flows better without...

i didnt notice the rhythms
that didnt fit perfectly when i read it but after i read the comment i did notice it
though i did not see any better solution to it

the last line of the first stanza was what caught my attention

Great poem it was a great read :)

Keenan

But in someones life these words r true. I love the style and the flow. Its easily read. The first stanza grabbed me and made me want to read more. Great job :)

"Beautiful home, happy family,
such a perfect disguise.
Rip off the smile, watch me bleed
misfortune, heartbreak, lies."
this sounds sort of weak, but good opening. Maybe add a few more strengths to it, making the lines bolder. Make us see the fake, the blood.

"Bruised skin tortured to silence,
screaming echoes linger in minds.
Searching deep in a scorched soul,
embers are all you will find."
This sort of... flows bumpy. maybe
"Bruised skin, tortured to silence
screaming echoes linger in thine.
Searching deep in a soul scorched,
Embers are all you will find."
The 2nd and 4th rhyme is a little "off" but to me, that sounds a little better.

"Empty bottles lay shattered, dying,
bleeding misery onto the floor.
Father never was the kind type,
one wrong move, his anger would soar."
I really like the second line in this stanza. The first line could be
"Empty bottles lying shattered," and then the second line.
The last two lines of this stanza, maybe "easy" or "gentle" type would work better.
and then adjust the last line to fit...

"Tears were shed, unspoken emotions.
Soft sobs were my lullaby,
Mother's cries sang me to sleep,
My family broken, I couldn't deny."
Tears were shed, unspoken memories.
Emotions just...seems to contradict the tears part. I see the point, but memories add a sadder, more lost tinge.
"My family broken, life couldn't deny."
The I seems out of place, just a personal opinion.

"Father beats his concrete walls,
defeated, with a clenched fist.
He knew he couldn't kill us.
I guess demented angels do exist."
I really like this stanza. The second line could maybe be "defeated, holding a clenched fist" just to add his stubborness or strength, representing the grudge type he holds?

"Mother took up where Father left off,
drowning sorrows with cheap wine.
I should have tried to stop her,
I should have seen the signs."
The blame, the self guilt, it's seeping through here. I have thoughts to rearrange the 2nd, 4th rhyme again.

"The truth's all there, in black and white,
there's nothing left to hide.
I'll go back to wearing my smile,
because everyone prefers the lies."
Strong, tough, and relating to the beginning. Perfect ending..

These are all my thoughts. This is a wonderful, yet saddening, piece. It's truly good, and these thoughts offered are hopefully helpful to make it great.
Good job, =).