Comments : Ship in a Bottle

  • 15 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "Often I sit and ponder how,
    How can so much beauty fill your heart,
    So much in such a small space,
    There has been only you from the start."

    Second line: Change to this for a smoother read:

    "How so much beauty can fill your heart,".

    Otherwise, this was a good opening, I can feel the emotions given off already.
    ---------------------------------------

    "For there is a great expanse of love,
    And it fills every inch of your skin,
    You must be on bursting point,
    My Heart, I wish I knew where to begin."

    Third line: "on" would sound better changed to "at".

    You expressed yourself very well here, that last line really had me going though, had me reading on.
    ----------------------------------

    "You seem like a ship in a bottle,
    So many intricacies packed so tight,
    My ship in a bottle ...
    Such an amazing sight."

    Great depth here, and I love that word "intricacies", very unique. I don't hear that word all the time.
    ------------------------------------

    "You kindness flourishes my heart,
    You grow where I though all were dead,
    Caressing my torment tenderly,
    Within my skin, your love's embed."

    In the first line, "You" should be "Your".

    In the second line, maybe reword to this:

    "You grow places I thought were dead,".

    The last two lines of this stanza were my favorite, so much passion is portrayed here, nice job so far. I just love that word "embed"!
    ---------------------------------

    "The aura of your sweetness,
    It flows throughout my world,
    Filling me sense by sense,
    You make my love unfurl."

    Excellent job, this is a touching piece about someone deeply in love with his soul mate.
    Well-expressed emotions and feelings.
    ----------------------------------

    "Never can I give up hope,
    Faithful is every breathe you take,
    For I shall treat you tenderly,
    You are my snowflake."

    I didn't really like the repetition of "tenderly", since you already repeated it above.

    The last line, in my opinion, was a bit more personal, like that is your nickname for her. Because I've never heard that used before.
    --------------------------------------

    "You seem like a ship in a bottle,
    So many intricacies packed so tight,
    My ship in a bottle ...
    Such an amazing sight."

    Good repetition, it didn't bore me but added a nice touch.
    ----------------------------------

    "With a smile as bright as the sun,
    Your happiness fills my soul,
    Filled with a joy rivaled by no other,
    Only you has the key to my heart hole."

    In the first line, I was a bit disappointed because that is a cliche simile and I was hoping for something more original.

    In the third line, you repeat "fill" which threw me off, maybe change to the second line to this:

    "Your happiness feeds my soul,"

    In the fourth line, "has" should be "have".

    I didn't really love "heart hole", it just sounded a bit odd to me, but that's my opinion.

    That way, there is no repetition.

    And then to end it up, the first stanza...

    Overall, 4/5 from me, there were just some rocky spots where I think you could be more creative. But otherwise than that, this was a powerful and heartfelt love poem, good work.

    Take care and God Bless You!

    ~MaryAnne