Crystalline Muse (Collab With Mouris)

This was a brilliant piece, very deep and striking to the reader. I loved how not one line was boring or un-descriptive, but each line held such power and creatiivty. You both wrote a masterpiece, I could not tell where one started and the other began, your words just joined perfectly. This was such a professional and mature write, it was filled with such uniqueness, you both are extraordinary poets and will go far. Excellent imagery and wording, I can't say anymore, just wonderful work. I am really impressed.

Congrats on the win you two, very well-deserved!

Take care and God bless you!

~MaryAnne

Congrats Joe...the collab is wonderful :)
Take care
Cindy

Wonderful word choice and imagery in this collab. Although individually, you have 2 unique styles, they mesh so well in this collab, I can not tell who's words are who's. The only part I felt didn't fit was this :

(Their lifelessness had startled me,
for I am afraid of death
and fear the wind that tears my soul.)

It was just thrown in there and with the parenthesis, it was distracting. Aside from that, it was a great meshing of talent. I am quite impressed how you both have grown as writers. That is something to be proud of for sure:)

I think this is well written, the first stanza is particularly well done.

'Bleak winds begin to moan, astray,
and now, in the light of day, frosted away'

Don't like 'begin to moan', you could use a more haunting verb there. How can winds be astray? And how does 'frosted away' follow the wind imagery transition?

'the first exploring flake of snow,
fell, resting upon my grassy brows,
to fill them, not without surprise....'

'Resting' is present tense. 'Rested' is past.

'With kindred flakes, a multitude
of white invaders to the woods,'

Think this is great.

'whose purpose was to vanquish me
and kiss the last leaf from the tree;'

Kiss...hm, not keen on that.

'To cover all that fell before,
'til Earth was just a plashy heath'

Good transition here though, 'plashy heath' is nice.

'in embrace with a white lace
over which my vined feet would slip'

Love the attention to detail here.

'and raise muddy dregs that weep
their burthen to the soil.'

I didn't like this. Disappointing end to a great stanza.

'And with the weakening eye of day
I still think of the leaves below,
whose silent warblings scatter
betwixt the earth and snow
withering slowly in earth's arms.'

The transition to this stanza is too awkward. 'I still think of the leaves below' might follow better since the previous discussed the 'last leaves'. Don't like the repetition of 'earth'.

'(Their lifelessness had startled me,
for I am afraid of death
and fear the wind that tears my soul.)'

I don't understand how this is just jammed in here, it really doesn't fit.

It finishes well though; there's some lovely moments in here, let down by some weak transitions and awkward sentence structures. Good work though.

Hi boys:)

Although this is a collab, I see Mouris in here mostly, ha ha.
I think he started it and Joe beautified it with his outstanding knowledge of the English language and poetic skills.
Together you are able to create magic. I think you two should combine forces and work together on a professional level.

The poem is beautiful, it has the signature of Mouris' old soul in it and the impeccable wording of Joe... ( I do read your poems Joe, just never comment)

Bleak winds begin to moan, astray,
and now, in the light of day, frosted away
the first exploring flake of snow,
fell, resting upon my grassy brows,
to fill them, not without surprise...

^^

This was the most beautiful stanza to me, such beautiful wording!

The word "dregs" was used twice. I think you should try to find a sysonym instead of repeating the word.

Well worth the read gentlemen:)

*hugs*

5/5 Ingrid