Cryptic (Collab with Jennifer)

by Italian Stallion   Jul 24, 2009


(Distraught, erratic images originate
exchanging glances, they recriminate.)

Talking to what isn't there,
he reaches out and touches air;
as jumbled words escape his lips
his mind and soul start to eclipse.

(Nonsensical whisperings compile
carelessly unfolding - beguile.)

The past and present intertwine
leaving his soul cold and malign;
his fingers trembled, eyes twitched
hiding in disguise, bewitched.

(Exposed, impassively awaiting
a remedy now in translation.)

What is real and what's a lie
in this life that's gone awry?

© Copyright 2009 By: Italian Stallion and Jennifer RIP Lesthat Hayden

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Collaboration with Jennifer RIP Lesthat Hayden

Jennifer RIP Lesthat Hayden : http://www.poems-and-quotes.com/author.html?id=143844
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Latest Comments

  • 15 years ago

    by TJ Arizona Eagle

    A very good collab, with a smooth even flow. There was no break from one line to the next.
    Creative and original. The layout was different as well.
    I also liked how you ended with a question. It keeps the poem fresh in the mind as we ponder the answer
    Impressive

  • 15 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "(Distraught, erratic images originate
    exchanging glances, they recriminate.)"

    I really like the style that you both wrote this in, it caught my eye and described much. I loved the wording here, I don't hear "erratic" and "distraught" used much, so that was very good.

    "Talking to what isn't there,
    he reaches out and touches air;
    as jumbled words escape his lips
    his mind and soul start to eclipse."

    I love the rhyming and flow here, absolutely flawless. Great descriptions too, you make this character so alive to the reader.

    "(Nonsensical whisperings compile
    carelessly unfolding - beguile.)"

    This part was just brilliant, I am not sure I understood everything perfectly but still this was written so uniquely and had me reading it again and again. For sure made me think.

    "The past and present intertwine"

    The way you worded this caught my interest, it captivated me.

    "leaving his soul cold and malign;
    his fingers trembled, eyes twitched
    hiding in disguise, bewitched."

    I don't hear "malign" a lot, that was used very well.

    "(Exposed, impassively awaiting
    a remedy now in translation.)"

    Wow, this is just stunning, why has no one commented on this yet? I am for sure nominating this you two, brilliant job. You know how to make a thoughtful and striking write.

    "What is real and what's a lie
    in this life that's gone awry?"

    Yes, you ended with a question! I love poems that do that, they really end the poem well. This question made me think after reading this whole piece, that question haunts the minds of many and you struck me with it. I also like how you said "in this life that's gone awry", so true. Excellent job you two, I am just speechless, this was professional and so mature. You two make more than a masterpiece, this deserves front page....

    Hope this gets more comments, take care and thanks for posting!

    ~MaryAnne

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