Comments : Don't Forget.

  • 15 years ago

    by Italian Stallion

    Nova, fantastic write, this is far from being rubbish, this was outstandingly one of the best writes I've read in a long time.

    Now on to my comments...

    'The world swallows its short term memory,'

    ^If I'm not mistaken, short and term needs a dash 'short-term' I liked your use of personification here.

    'Holding a breath in its weary chest.'

    ^Nice description. Holding doesn't need to be capitalized. You only need to capitalize a word if you are emphasizing it or starting a sentence.

    'Light balances on limbs of evening,'

    ^Wow, fantastic line here. It's as if it's a reflection appearing on the limbs of a tree creating a shadow in which moves about as if dancing to music.

    'While the sun yawns in the west.'

    ^ahh the sunset, beautiful description here Novalyn. Again, I liked your use of personification.

    'Two pairs of feet, four times the noise,'

    ^Nice line, I loved the way you worded it, this could've been very cliche, but it wasn't.

    'As lovers follow their whims of excite,
    Burrowing deep to the heart of the wood,
    Porcelain skin glowing in misted night.'

    ^Fantastic wording here, I just feel to pieces reading this, just so beautiful.

    I'd comment the rest, but there is no reason to, it is all excellent worded and deeply written with emotions that just pour right from your heart. Fantastic write Nova, I loved this piece, it brought tears to my eyes and it was a breath of fresh air. Well done yet again. I'm nominating this piece. :]

    Peace and Love, Joe

  • 15 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    'The world swallows its short term memory,
    Holding a breath in its weary chest.
    Light balances on limbs of evening,
    While the sun yawns in the west.;
    `Great beginning, powerful and original. I as well loved the personifcation of the world swallowing its short term memory; I have never ever heard that til now.. interesting idea! The sun yawning was great, emphasizes that the day is ending and is about to set. Light balancing on the limbs of evening was also very well said, thank you for not using the word dancing! Ive heard that so much lol.

    'A smiling lake soon licks their ankles,
    With the face of a bone white moon.'
    `How do you come up with such unique phrases while still portraying beautiful imagery? I wish I had that kind of talent. I loved 'licks' - Wow I have never heard that before.. but I can see a group of people jumping into a lake, with the water splashing on them.

    'Feet first -- into the head of a spoon.'
    `Into the head of a spoon.. I didnt really understand that, maybe thats just me?

    'Floating in a seemingly seamless world,'
    `Seemingly seamless - great alliteration ;]

    'Undressing the sky with conversation,
    In starlit eyes, they catch the slack.'
    `Your metaphors are just amazing... it would take me a year to come up with something like that!

    I didnt really like the repetition of 'other' in the last stanza but other than that well done!

    This was an outstanding write.. one that deserves an nomination; this was a winner for me and took me by surprise!

    You have talent! Keep lettin it shine :]

  • 15 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "The world swallows its short-term memory,
    holding a breath in its weary chest.
    Light balances on limbs of evening,
    while the sun yawns in the west."

    A brilliant opening, the words you used were stunning and struck the reader. I love how you say the sun yawns, that is very creative. I also like how you said the light balances on limbs of evening, that just took my breath away.

    "Two pairs of feet, four times the noise,
    as lovers follow their whims of excite,
    burrowing deep to the heart of the wood,
    porcelain skin glowing in misted night."

    Great flow and the images here are beautiful. What love and passion you have portrayed here. "misted night" was gorgeous.

    "Twigs surrender to their eager steps,"

    I thought this line held much originality, I haven't heard this one before. Your imagination is sure put to the test here!

    "crunching along with a love so young."

    Although, "crunching" is used a lot, it wasn't cliche at all.

    "Certain of their cool, brisk destination,
    in the mouth of country: a reflective tongue."

    Wow, your talent just shines the whole way, excellent job so far!

    "A smiling lake soon licks their ankles,"

    One of the most unique lines, I like the concept of a lake "smiling" and "licking their ankles", where did you come up with that? That's what I really enjoy about this piece, its fresh and joyous to read, not cliche at all. Brilliant job!

    "with the face of a bone white moon."

    Loved "bone white", don't hear that often.

    "Nothing ends nor begins, they simply slip,
    feet first -- into the head of a spoon."

    Like Temps said, not quite sure I understood the ending perfectly but that is alright, it made me think and you created so much meaning that lies somewhat a mystery.

    "Floating in a seemingly seamless world,
    the horizon aligned with their backs,
    Undressing the sky with conversation,
    in starlit eyes, they catch the slack."

    Amazing, the imagery and descriptions are perfect here! I love "undressing the sky with conversation", very creative, which caught my eye.

    "Affection unspoken and perfectly felt,
    shared atop liquid clouds next each other.
    Each knowing full well the taste of forever,
    rests in the mouth of the other."

    Beautiful ending, you have much talent, so keep on writing!

    5/5 from me, take care

    ~MaryAnne

  • 15 years ago

    by TJ Arizona Eagle

    Everything has been said. So I will just say beautiful in every aspect of the write.
    Very beautiful and emotional

  • 15 years ago

    by ashley joy

    The words fit so well together its like they couldn't be used in any other way. It was beautiful and that's all I can say.