This had a very dark and gloomy feel to it, and from the very first line it drew me in. Well written and I really enjoyed it. I like your detailed description of the girl, I think it made the poem that much more realistic. 5/5

'Left in an aphonic room is a soft beating,
as a fervent heart loses blood as life's fleeting.
Struggling for air, the pain begins to worsen.
Why would someone do this to another person?'
`Second line - maybe try... 'as life fleets' .. I think that may work better? I could be wrong. I think that these lines are pretty cliche...but I think it was a release of feeling.

'a soul tires to endure the unbearable feeling'
`Tries not tires

'An aching groan escapes her lips, so perfect and pink.'
`Perfect and pink a good alliteration.

'Crawling for the hallway; now reaching for the phone,
she just can't reach it and so she dies alone.'
`A very sad ending.

I think your beginning was pretty cliche, but as I continued to read I thought that the idea of the poem was well done and you followed through really nice with it.