My paranoia

My paranoia,
it's denying jealousy
My mind is clear.

I know what is happening, I know...
I just dont want to believe
that I'm not numb enough
to just ignore the pain in me
and to be someone I am not.

I know I should not to be showing that I am strong
because it's just a facade to my weakness.
I should not be wearing a fraud smile
behind bleeding heart and teary eyes.

But sometimes I just have to lie
to protect myself from the deepest hurt.
No one wants to be selfish
but I have to, I need to!

It's just the only way for me
to save myself from suicide
- the classic loneliness of letting myself love you
knowing that you never felt the same for me.

It's killing me
I don't know how many times I killed myself
because just by missing you i die a little more.
But I guess it would never end
It will never really end!
-april 8, 2008