Anonymous Heroes. [Collab]

Hmmm seems like everyone said everything there is to say...I'll comment earlier next time lol

A drowsy twinkle in his eye spoke of
dreams that melted into reality;
a peaceful morn welcomed him as he
arrived home embraced by warm praises
by throngs of his country men

*This was my favorite stanza. "a drowsy twinkle" I liked that part alot. It's such an original line. I also like how you said "melted into reality" Yup yup...I really enjoyed this piece. I'm not gonna jump all over you guys, because this was great. You two make a good team. Keep it up. Nik ^.^*

"Coated concrete gray skies hover overhead"

I really thought there were too many adjectives here, it was such a mouthful and you could just say this instead:

"Concrete grays skies hover..."

"this somber atmosphere, as silence cloaks
eerie gunshots blasted into motionless air,"

I felt like the way this was worded was at first hard to understand when read. To better understand maybe change to this:

"this somber atmosphere, as silence cloaks
gunshots that were blasted into the air,"

Or something to that extent just for more simplicity.

"causalities of war line the stony unknown road
in patriotic caskets;"

This was well-worded and not overdone.

"voiceless farewells
exposed through mournful glazed eyes."

I really liked "voiceless farewells", that was unique but in the second line I think you should delete either "mournful" or "glazed", its just too much.

"A flag rises in the distance; set at half mast
as soldiers simultaneously march home,"

This part was descriptive and had the reader reading on.

"statues of war with arms held still at their sides."

Love the wording here, just stunning.

"Their weary footfalls echo on this unsung path,"

I really don't get "unsung path"? I just thought this could be better said.

"in sullen darkness; in a bare ruined choir with muted
tones sang a pallid musical performance of silent days past,
in remembrance of those who faded with this sunset."

Still too many adjectives here, I am sorry but I have to agree with Valedico on this part. Take his advice, delete a few adjectives here that are not needed and change in the last line "this" to "the".

"The spectator woods trembled on songs,
leaves swayed showering the dusk's dew,
like petals on the weary band,
and wept their burthen to the ground."

Very interesting, I really found to like "burthen", that was unique and different.

"An eerie war wind began to course,"

"war wind" is original, nice job.

"as a crumpled soldier lit a smoke,
drawing deep, pondering in this solemn dark."

Not sure if I like "crumpled", it just doesn't seem to fit best.

"A blossomy bud from the murkiness
hopped in front of him;"

Okay, I really didn't like "blossomy", to me it just didn't sound right and too childish, do you know what I mean? I also didn't like "hopped" maybe change to "danced"? Or something more fit?

"he felt the smiles
of a flower,"

I liked this, I was not expecting "smiles", so that surprised me.

"like his friend he loved and lost
to the fields of blood; there was a tear on his face"

This was a bit plain, compared to the detail you described earlier.

"that hid in his wintry weathered beard."

Wow, where did you come up with that? Loved it!

"The circle-shaped smoke swirled about,"

I like how you explain the shape here, I never gave thought to that.

"touching the invisible fringes of darkness,
leaving behind the ash like his friend
who touched the rims of the infinity
and left behind the memories to haunt."

This was wonderful, simply strikes the reader.

"A drowsy twinkle"

Nice way to describe "twinkle", very creative.

"in his eye spoke of
dreams that melted into reality;"

Beautiful, the wording just flowed together so harmoniously.

"a peaceful morn welcomed him as he
arrived home embraced by warm praises
by throngs of his country men"

I haven't heard "throngs" before, so thanks for introducing that word. I liked "country men" for I was expecting "family" or something.

"These victory rallies full of appreciation
and praise to the battlefields drenched
in death, those fighters now amongst
ruins in cold wilted graves, lie hopeless
and anonymous; shadowed by survivors."

This ending really got to me, what power woven in your words. Those last two lines made me think and overall what a thoughtful poem, I can tell you both really took your time and thought on this one.

You both really went into detail in places, but for me I thought sometimes it was too much detail, too many adjectives, which kind of ruined it for me. I have to agree with most of what Valedico said, just on the critiquing though. You both are brilliants poets and this was a shock to see you both do a collab. Nice job, I do think a bit of work still could be used but the concept was well-thought out.

Thanks for posting..

Keep writing, always and forever...

~MaryAnne

The sentiment in this poem is great though a lot of the lines are clumsy and awkward; the form is too over the place too, and the transitions are a bit untidy.

'Coated concrete gray skies hover overhead
this somber atmosphere, as silence cloaks
eerie gunshots blasted into motionless air,
causalities of war line the stony unknown road
in patriotic caskets; voiceless farewells
exposed through mournful glazed'

Far too many adjectives here; I count about ten? There's no need for most of them as they don't really add much. For example 'coated' is not needed; 'silence cloaks eerie gunshots' doesn't make sense, you could say how there's silence post-gunshot, but the phrasing is very messy here. 'patriotic caskets'
You really need a better adjective here...'patriotic' is a no no.

'voiceless farewells
exposed through mournful glazed eyes.'

Good, but 'mournful glazed eyes' is a mouthful. I also think 'expressed' would be better than 'exposed'.

Quick bit of advice my tutors give me, take out all your adjectives and you have your story so here it would be:

The skies hover overhead
the atmosphere, as silence cloaks
gunshots blasted into the air,
causalities of war line the road
in caskets; farewells
exposed through their eyes.

Then you'll see how you can communicate things better.

'A flag rises in the distance; set at half mast
as soldiers simultaneously march home,'

Good line, though you could show the fatigue of the soldiers to suggest they 'trudge' home.

'unsung path,'

Does not make sense.

'in sullen darkness; in a bare ruined choir with muted
tones sang a pallid musical performance of silent days past,
in remembrance of those who faded with this sunset.'

This could be phrased better. The last line needs 'this' changing to 'the'. Get rid of 'bare', and 'pallid' because these words do not fit, try not to overcommunicate everything. Simplicity is key.

'The spectator woods trembled on songs,
leaves swayed showering the dusk's dew,
like petals on the weary band,
and wept their burthen to the ground.'

This is great, except 'spectator woods' needs to be rephrased to. 'The woods; spectators'. Just to make it flow better. Good, though.

'
A blossomy bud from the murkiness
hopped in front of him; he felt the smiles
of a flower, like his friend he loved and lost
to the fields of blood; '

I don't like this because it's a long sentence which has too many clunky filler words. 'Blossomy', nooo. 'Hopped' doesn't fit the image. 'Smiles of a flower', this doesn't make sense, and the final bit I've pasted is cliched. However;

'that hid in his wintry weathered beard.'

I loved that.

'The circle-shaped smoke swirled about,'

Circle-shaped smoke? Bit awkward, again, no need for forcing descriptions, it's a poem; not prose. Communication is key here, your images have to be clear.

'touching the invisible fringes of darkness,'

Okay, we get it's dark, you don't need to reinforce that idea all the time.

'leaving behind the ash like his friend
who touched the rims of the infinity'

I liked that, great touch.

'and left behind the memories to haunt.'

That's fine, I guess. Bit trite, but it fits.

What I didn't like is that at the beginning you have this scene of the solidiers, all as one, then half way through, you zoom in on a random soldier, who's lost a friend? They would have all lost a friend, in this poem, you needed to evoke empathy and what you've done is focused on one soldier, whilst it would have been better to focus on the unit, zooming in from time to time, not trailing off half way through.

The transition to the second to last stanza is too sudden and

'arrived home embraced by warm praises
by throngs of his country men'

What time are we talking about here? 'Country men' makes it sound medieval, or something haha. Most modern wars, the men aren't given 'warm praises'. Look at Vietnam.

'These victory rallies full of appreciation
and praise to the battlefields drenched
in death, those fighters now amongst
ruins in cold wilted graves, lie hopeless
and anonymous; shadowed by survivors.'

Nice ending but 'wilted graves'? Doesn't work. I liked 'drenched in death.' whereas 'hopeless' doesn't need to be stated, but the final line is great.

It's really hit and miss for me, there's some great bits, and some really odd images. The clarity is a bit off, too but the sign of effort is there. It needs a lot of work but thanks for sharing.

What I have learned from my father is that these veterans wish to remain anonymous heroes. They consider it an honor to defend us and our countries and die so that we may live in freedom. Good job with the collab.

*standing ovation* Bravo on a masterpiece
Brilliant collab