Raw Material

Love the metaphors in this one.
I still think I like the other one better, but this one is really good too. I think my favorite part is:

You suck the life out of me
worse than a person
drinking from a tight straw.
You turn me blue
not in a sad way...
more in a coffin beneath dirt way.

Great job.

Cayce

[:

You're soo good at making amazing phrases.. this is definately a unique poem, its fresh and so RAW.. 5/5!

'You suck the life out of me
worse than a person
drinking from a tight straw.'
^ To me personally, I believe you can do a lot better with the word 'suck' theres got to be something better out there. Suck just throws me in a different direction, I think theres a better synoymn for this kind of word. Suck sounds too immature or something like that. Your metaphor here was unique in a way, I havent quite heard it before (:

'You turn me blue
not in a sad way...
more in a coffin beneath dirt way.'
^This was interesting--some original. 'In a coffin beneath dirt way'

'I can't escape the traps
you've put around my heart...'
^Try something other than put.. I think you could say 'I cant escape the traps you've set around my heart' or something like that. Still simple, but put just doesnt sound like a strong enough word. I was going to suggest 'lined' but I dont think thats the word youre really looking for here.

'one false move and
BAM....I'm dead.'
^This connects very well with what you just said, about how the traps surround you and one little move and you're dead.. I dont however believe something such as a mouse trap can truly kill you--so that idea may not fit that well. Try something more powerful, something that would actually kill you?

'You take and take
until I'm left with broken parts--'
^I didnt really like the repetition of 'take and take' here.. and I think that broken parts could be stronger. Maybe 'fragments' or something like that. I know this poem is simple and maybe thats how you wanted it but just suggesting some things if you decide to change anything!

'I'm worthless now.
You kill me...but I still love you.. '
^This was pretty good, not sure how you could feel something after youre dead but I get your idea.

I dont think this was my favorite nor your strongest poem.. but I did enjoy it. You always bring forth unique metaphors although they might seem a bit on the awkward side - You have your own style and it always shines your poems. Keep it up hun.

Stop writing such good works lol.. especially like this one.. i think my favorite line is "more like a coffin beneathe dirt way" great work shanik..

An original , this was really a creative piece of work. Well done though sad and lacking hope.
I really enjoyed this one.