Just a Woman

I'm just a woman
Then again so are you
Where do we draw the line?
A broken rib?
Maybe a broken leg
Or do you have something a little more
Permanent in mind?

I always thought we'd learn to get along
That with age comes wisdom
I should have known better
Should have seen the truth beneath
Your convincing lies
I should have realized
That the moment you first hit me
That it was just the beginning
That you wouldn't stop, that it would continue
Become more and more violent
I just never thought it would land me in the hospital
I used the excuse that you are having some personal issues
The excuse that you've been through hell just like the rest of us
But none of us go around crushing people, sisters to the ground and justifying it with these words "I had to so she wouldn't throw anything."
That doesn't justify the broken rib in my chest, or the crutches I have to walk on
It doesn't justify the bruises on my arms, or my face that people have commented on

I lied for you
I told everyone I fell down the stairs
That it was one of my clumsy moments
I even told the doctor that I did this
By obligation they have to call the cops
I didn't want to see you arrested

I don't really care about the injuries
People are used to seeing me limping of nursing something that I've broken
What I care about is that you think it was okay to do what you did
To come barelling down the stairs, and crush me
To lie to me
To make things up
Verbal abuse is one thing,
But physical?
That's something else entirely,
It not only hurts emotionally but the visible marks that I have cover with make-up because I don't want the world to know that I have become one of those women.

I wish there was a way to turn back time
I wish I could change things
I wish that I had kept my mouth shut
But I don't think it would have helped
You would have found some excuse to do it
I don't appreciate any of it obviously
I sure as hell don't think your friend needed to be involved
Obviously you had something planned
And that was why you brought your friend over
You apparently needed witnesses that were on your side

You scare the shit out of me
I fear you more than I fear being a house fire
Your strength
Your anger
Your lack of a conscious
Your animalisitc tendencies
Yes I fear you
I loathe you just as much though
Sure deep down I know that you are my sister
That I have to love you
But how can I love someone who tried to kill me
With the justification that I might throw things to defend myself

I won't go to cops today
But I think that maybe you need to be knocked down a peg or two
I think prison would do that for you
Though I'm not sure you could survive jail
You have a mouth that would get you into trouble
But then again maybe I'm wrong
Maybe your attitude and your love of smoking and drugs makes you stronger
It isn't a good thing

I don't want to get you arressted
I don't want to see you behind bars
But how are you ever going to learn
That what you do in retalliation isn't okay

I admit that I was in the wrong
That I was to blame for some of this
That I let my emotions control me
But physical retaliation isn't the way to go
You didn't try to ignore me like you tell everyone
You didn't try to stay away
In fact you were in my face the whole time

I'm sorry I let my emotions reign over me
But why is that you can defend yourself in anyway you see fit
But the second I attempt to defend myself with most powerful weapon, words, you think I'm being verbally abusive.
I don't fully understand that

The worst part about our relationship is that you think that everything that has happened to me has been fake. That I've escalated the situation because I am a drama queen.
I'm not, but thanks for coming out.
Every bone I've broken has been real, has had to have medical attention, I'm sorry if you feel like the attention was taken off you for thirty seconds. Sometimes little sister life isn't about you, and we all know the world doesn't revolve around you just like it doesn't revolve around me, or mom or dad, or nick, or kent, or nakia or the kids or inlaws.
If I could switch lives with you I think I would then maybe you would realize that everything that happens to me is real that I don't do things on purpose that I don't try to draw the attention away from you or the others. I'm sorry that you think this way but I guess I can't change how you feel.