My Last

Can't you see this smile isn't real,
It doesn't represent how I really feel,
Crushed by sadness inside of me,
The manufactured smile, you will see.
^^^^
We always smile even when things are getting on top of us because for some reason we feel ashamed to be hurt in any way. I can relate so much. I like how you said "manufactured smile" because it puts enthasis on the smile. Good opening.

Day in day out, just one big war,
Still I live on, with nothing to live for,
I have nobody left that I can trust,
My tattered heart is left to rust.
^^^^
The war is obviously with yourself especially your thoughts, this is how I interpreted it anyways. "Still I live on with nothing to live for" < I like this becasue it goes to show that you are being strong. When somebody breaks trust it's always hard to trust again but that's life people let us down. "My tattered heart is left to rust" wonderful imagery.

God dealt me a really bad hand,
I struggle on, alone I stand,
Nobody understands the full extent,
Or lived the wasted months that have went.
^^^^
Our creator, I believe deals us bad things to test our faith. I'm not a religious person but it's something I've been brought up to believe. Being depressed is always like loneliness but it's got a bigger hold on us than that, I like how you portrayed this. Also being depressed it never seems as though people understand us but it's amazing what people can tell. "or lived the wasted months that have went" < this doesn't make sense .. I think it would flow better if it was "or lived the wasted months that went." Just a suggestion.

How can I fly, with concrete in my wings?
How can I deal with the pain my life brings?
Nothing is the same, it's no longer worthwhile,
I'll get through it with my manufactured smile.
^^^^
I like the imagery of an angel flying with concrete on it's wings because obviously it wouldn't be able to and this is how depression feels, like we are weighed down by unknown things. Dealing is to find things in life that are worthwhile. Once again I like the use of "manufactured smile". Wonderful ending to a once again excellent write, 5/5. Em

First off. I want to say that I agree with the other comments. You should never stop writing, especially because of a small road block. Depression can create amazing poems, and sometimes poetry helps you to get through intense feeling of loneliness, pain, etc.

"Can't you see this smile isn't real,
It doesn't represent how I really feel,
Crushed by sadness inside of me,
The manufactured smile, you will see."

I love it how you say 'the manufactured smile' rather that 'plastic smile' 'fake smile' etc. I've never seen someone describe a smile, as you have and I LOVE it.

"Day in day out, just one big war,
Still I live on, with nothing to live for,
I have nobody left that I can trust,
My tattered heart is left to rust."

You should work on the flow in the first two lines here.

"God dealt me a really bad hand,
I struggle on, alone I stand,
Nobody understands the full extent,
Or lived the wasted months that have went.

How can I fly, with concrete in my wings?
How can I deal with the pain my life brings?
Nothing is the same, it's no longer worthwhile,
I'll get through it with my manufactured smile."

I like it how you end your poem with questions. That's a great strategy seeing as how it makes readers think and analyze your writing.

Great job.

-Stephanie

Shaun what is this nonsense about you not writing??? I won't have it missy. No ma'am. Not while I'm around. lol But on a serious note you can't stop writing honey :( you're still growing as a poet. I know at times you make seem really sad and feel out of options but writing can help you express that sadness and hopefuly make something good come from it. I'm always here for you hun so cheer up and keep writing. I loves your poems...BUT.....not as much as I love you :) Nik