My Story

How do I explain the many scars upon my arms?
Is there a way to say the words so you do not judge?
I will try to express the meaning behind the pale marks
And hope my recount will be enough.

Ever felt like your drowning?
Struggling to catch even one vital breath?
Clawing at the water for just one chance
Yet every movement eats at your very core
And you quickly surrender to the darkness bellow?

Ever been trapped inside your own mind?
Forced to remember the horrible events in your own short history.
Choices, people, words and events,
All swirling and dancing, laughing and screaming, mocking and pulling
Like some twisted circus show?

Ever pondered as you wake, if its nightmare or reality?
Ever wondered if there's a difference or if you even care?
Ever wondered if death hurts, if its instant can you be spared?
Ever been the opposite of yourself,
Two sides of the same coin and never knowing how it happened?
Ever felt guilty for simply thinking,
For just existing?

That's the setting,
The daily stage, as best as I can say.
Now here's the story,
The performance raging on inside.

It felt like I was suffocating from some unknown force,
Like the weight of the world pressed down on me
And I had no strength to push it off.

I was in constant battle with myself
Attempting to fight the fog,
It kept me separate from every body else.

I felt so much and couldn't make sense of it
So much emotion, so out of control.
The pain, the hate, the anger and despair
It all mixed and overwhelmed
The vessel I was, too small.

I don't know how I started,
what thought triggered the response,
But I know I felt free and finally in control.

With each precious drop,
The fog did disappear,
I saw, I thought, with no shroud of darkness.
I was able to behave like any other girl,
I even giggled once,
I think cake was involved.

And so it began,
I do not regret it.
My demon habit kept me sane.
I was able to make sense of all the emotion,
Was able to understand the confusion,
I could function relatively normal
As long as I got my release often.

Each cut brought me home,
Opened my cage so I could soar,
Everything seemed manageable
When my blood hit the floor.

Causing the pain myself was empowering
I was in control for once,
Seeing my emotions take a physical form
I finally understood them,
I blossomed in the agony
Each slice was so amazing,
My cuts were a link to the outside world,
I was human when I bled.

But cover up,
Stop the flow,
And cracks would start to show.
Punch a wall,
Bruise my body,
My nails in my arm,
Ways to cope until I could escape.

I screamed so loud inside my mind
Yet I was afraid to speak,
Not for who was listening
But of my own words.
I bottled it all up,
Wore smiles all the time,
I didn't let anyone in,
Even those close to me.
I did hide every second
And swore to fix myself
Hurt my flesh and I would survive,
The cuts would become routine.

I never let the tears fall,
Positive it would mean I'd failed,
Yet everyday I silently begged
For someone to see past my simple lies.

Mask upon mask
No one saw.
They expected the truth,
Thought I was trying to recover
But it was too late,
Tired and scared
I no longer cared.

I'd find myself hoping,
That tonight I'd slip,
Go that bit deeper
And end my slow demise.
No pain was such a tempting offer.
Fear joined my evil party.

Time passed slowly in a busy blur,
It seemed some cosmic joke.
Rivers of red marked the passing of time,
Now turned to white, never be forgotten.

I don't know how I started
but one day I began to rise,
I don't know how I stood
or where that dense fog went.
I don't remember breathing
or being free from it all.
But somehow I did
And slowly the masks did fall.

I still wear one today,
The smile as you judge me,
But your not me,
Don't know how I was affected,
You might be strong, of been able to have coped,
But I am me, and I'm proud of my struggle.

So leave me now,
You have your story,
There's still many chapters to come.
Think what you will,
I don't care.
I am me.