Unknown Person

Nice poem, i loved the last line - it was very strong. good job. IBE

I can relate to this poem.. It seems like a lot of people are a facade of who they really are because of fear.. but don't let anyone get you down, not even yourself. I liked the poem - Kayla

Your English is appalling though I did read that you are from the Philippines and English is a second language.

I do get the gist of the poem though and the clear and powerful message you are trying to say comes across.

Loneliness and rejection are strong and motivating factors in all our lives.

I will take your poem apart and make suggestions and hopefully it will help you to improve your English.

1st. Stanza
Judging... Accusing... By everybody
taking off my rights and dignity
tears and cry is not for me
need to smile though its hurt me

L1 To be judged or accused by anyone.
L2 Is like the taking of my rights and dignity
L3 Yet to cry with tears is not for me
L4 Though it hurts me I need to smile,

2nd. Stanza
Unknown persona is inside me
i told it to you but you laugh at me
A thunder bolts strikes me
When you say STAY AWAY FROM ME

L1 This unknown persona inside
L2 I told you of and you laughed at me
L3 Then a thunder bolt struck me
L4 When you told me to STAY AWAY

3rd. Stanza
i invite love to be with me
but love dont care about me
i asked my self what about me
why unknown persona is in me

L1 I invite love to be with me
L2 Yet love does not care about me
L3 This unknown persona that is apart of me
L4 I ask why?

4th. Stanza
now i asked death to be my man
he smile at me and say welcome
now the rain starts to my eyes
because he is the only one accept who i am.

L1 Then I ask death to be my man
L2 He smiles at me and says, "Welcome"
L3 Tears like rain fill my eyes
L4 As he is the only one to accept me

This is my version after the suggestions I have made and you may use any of it if it helps benefit you. What do you think? Ray S

To be judged or accused by anyone.
Is like the taking of my rights and dignity
Yet to cry with tears is not for me
Though their loss hurts me, I need to smile,

This unknown persona inside me
I told you of and you laughed at me
Then a lightening bolt struck me
When you told me to STAY AWAY

I invite love to be with me
Yet love does not care about me
This unknown persona that is apart of me
I ask why?

I then asked death to be my man
He smiled at me and said, "Welcome"
Tears like rain filled my eyes
As he is the only one to accept me.

Hope this helps a powerful theme and an Excellent poem 5/5

An amazing poem. the pain seeping through your choice of words. i like the End specially. i think you had a perfect ending. now about your grammar it was ok. maybe try to organize it a little better.

the poem talks about being rejected and you described that pain so well. i love the way you used your emotions on this poem.

Great job. keep writing!

OMG, heartfelt piece. Depression always feels like the end is only going to accept you for who you are. Well written. 5/5. Em