I'm so selfish

I'm abusing myself.
I'm doubting myself.
I wish things didn't have to be like this and I could possibly change that.
Committing to save others and... myself?
Myself? i'm saying that too much.
I'm so selfish.
I've numbed my feelings, tried to even out the pain and leaving but it all just eventually leads me back to where I started. At your doorstep, with my head in hands, red eyes, coughing, bruised and scarred.
How can I just let my own torture go?
Well I only ignore it for others. Others always come before me for they are more precious than I'll ever be and no one seems to take that seriously. They expect too much from me and I cannot handle it.
Am I glad for my decisions I have made so far? Too many past mistakes and I do live in my past.
Horrific way to live. NEVER live like I do.
Or do I just blame myself too much?
Well I rather blame me than anyone else.
I guess I do affect people's lives in a depressing way. Giving them pressure and things to worry about and them forced to even be with me.
I am just a waste of space and air.
I guess I always will be.
But this air is getting harder to breathe.
Sometimes I am happy, but others
I just wish that the happiness would stay for once.