Letting Go of You

They told me you died.

Tears are streaming down my face,
I scream: "I can't do it, I just can't!"
I can't lie to myself anymore, I just cannot continue,
Music is pointless to me.
Everything is meaningless...without you.

I still remember,
That summer day,
We hooked pinkies and kissed each others' cheeks,
We swore that we'd do it,
We made a promise.

I still remember,
On that day, you told me never to give up,
To be the best of the best,
And I told you the same,
To the sing the highest of the high,
To spread your name across the world,
To reach across the sky.

I'm standing still now.
Staring down at the rough texture of my violin,
I think of you as I play.
The notes are sour and bitter.
They screech and are off tune.
I stop and sit down.

Crack.
The bow breaks under the force of my hand,
The violin falls to the floor-shattering the bridge into a million pieces,
I bounce backwards from the chair and onto my bed,
My tears stream down and hurt me like how waterfalls wear down rocks,
I can't think anymore, and I don't want to.

You were more than just my best friend,
You were more than I could ask for.
You were there for me to cry on,
And you are the one who I will never forget.

I hold your picture, a memoir, in my hand,
My tears become the background,
I think back to the times when we played without end,
But I can't stop thinking: "You're gone, you've passed away."
I think too hardly-I cannot even hear the knock on my door.

My parents enter the room with my sister tumbling along,
My mother looks at the pieces of my broken violin and just shakes her head silently,
But my sister does not falter,
She looks up at me and gives me the cutest smile,
I tell her "No, I don't deserve it."
But deep inside, I know I do.

I can't believe it-but at the same time it is useless to deny,
You are gone, gone away like the wind,
Off to the heavens.
You'll never come back; you'll never become that singer,
And so...maybe...I should never become that violinist, that virtuoso, that musician.
Tell me what to do.

The violin had shattered and it could not be repaired,
I felt ashamed-it was the violin you had bought for me,
You would've wanted me to treasure it-to never let go,
But I'm afraid it's already over-I cannot turn back.

I cry myself to sleep each night,
I look up at the skies for you.
I wait for a signal-a sign that it will all be okay,
But I see nothing, nothing at all but myself.

No matter how hard I try not to think about it,
It returns to me each day,
I try to say "Everything will be alright"
But In the end-it matters not anyways.
The other kids at school just laugh,
They think it's useless to remember you,
Yet their words mean nothing to me,
Even if it's somewhat true.

My grades are dropping and my smile is never there,
It's almost like you took them from me,
I know it's just my imagination,
But everything seemed to die with you.

The spites at school are getting worse,
It isn't fun to go there anymore,
Every morning I consider skipping,
Yet I know it's not what you wanted me to do.

But you left me no instructions,
No last words or special advice,
I begin to wonder why you left me just like that,
I can't live on without you.

The days are getting harder,
I'm getting into fights,
My classmates all despise me,
And I'm an outcast to all of them.
I don't know how to do things right anymore,
I lost all feeling when you died,
Please come back and make things right,
Please wake me up from my dream,
I want to see your smile again,
But right now-I just can't live on.

Send me an angel, send me a message,
Anything to make things better,
I can't do this anymore,
I can't lie to myself,
I've done nothing but harm myself these days,
Take me away to heaven.
So...You sent me her, didn't you?

Her eyes shining with brightness and disguise,
Her smile is just like yours,
She came up to me-a total stranger-and made me stop my tears,
You've sent me an angel, haven't you?

She's not pretty or gorgeous or anything,
It's her glow that makes her great,
She's always laughing hard like a glow stick that never stops glowing,
I am not worthy of her sympathy,
But I guess it is time for me to stop this nonsense.

She's made me pick up music again,
She's the same age as you would be,
Buying me another violin,
I can't believe she's not really you.

It's been a week since I met her,
She's never changed her smile or mood,
Why is she so much like you?
I don't even miss you that much anymore.
Music is so difficult, why must I continue with this?

She looks at me intently as I hold the violin,
The stem is getting sweaty and I have yet to play,
What can I play in such a state?
I've never played for a single soul but you,
Even during lessons, I was playing not for the teacher, but you.

She's telling me to play what's comfortable:
A scale, a song, or just a note,
But I cannot play what I do not have,
And what I do not have is music.

She's silently begging with her eyes,
And waiting patiently so,
She asks me a question "What's wrong?"
And then I tell her of you.

She gives a knowing smile,
Saying it's alright if I don't,
But I know she wants me to play,
And she deserves the song she's been waiting for.

Still my heart aches like an eroded rock-lost and drifted away from home,
I wish so much that I could play,
But I do not know if I can,
I'm scared of what I might do-
If I ever played again.

She's left me at last
To go home for the day,
I feel so empty and lost
As she leaves through the door,
It's all so strange to me-how my parents don't care she's here,
And my sister acts like she's always been there.

"They've replaced you with her" I'm thinking to myself,
They don't care that you're gone,
They don't notice at all.

A little part of me wants to think the same,
But I know I cannot for you are the only you,
I don't believe that she can replace you,
I don't want to think that either,

I want to believe you still live on,
That you'll come and listen as I play again,
But I know you've gone to a better place,
And left me behind on the cold, hard surface.

Another week has passed,
She comes every day,
She knows one day I'll play for her,
Maybe not today or the next,
But one day surely, I'll slip and play the violin again.

Today I have a feeling,
My violin burning in my hands,
She's staring with those intent eyes,
And I know this time: I will play.

What shall I play?
It's been a year,
Do I even remember? Should I even bother?
I ask her those two questions,
And she only smiles and says: "Yes."

And so I will- I search my mind,
And I've found a song I've never known before,
It's completely new to me yet I know how to play,
It's the song she gave to me the day she gave me the violin.

I must've secretly memorized it,
For I see the notes in my head,
She told to me to stop just as I was about to begin,
She said "Please, play at my home..."
Then she got up and went out the door beckoning for me to follow.

I was surprised and yet happy,
I was going to finally be able to play, but why was she asking that I go to her home?
What could be so special that she would bring me to her home for?

Her home is near the edge of town,
So far away from school,
It took almost an hour to reach it,
I was surprised with the distance,
Could she really walk this far each day for school?

She led me into her home,
And up into her room,
I nearly gasped at the sight,
Instruments flooded every inch of her rose-colored room: oboes, clarinets, violas, cellos, a piano, and more.

"Play the song you know so well, play with your heart."
Smiling as she lifted the lid of the piano,
Never ceasing her light-hearted stare,
She looked into my eyes and into my soul,
And she found something I never knew I'd still have.

The song she wanted me to play,
It was the song you loved most,
A song so tender and so sweet,
The song in which you swore to me,
The Pachelbel Canon in D.

She began to play,
A tonic chord,
Then moving swiftly along,
She led the way and gave the intro,
Soon I found myself playing:
F sharp, E, D, C sharp, B, A, B, C sharp...

I felt free,
I could play again,
And you know what?
This is MY life and I've finally realized...that I don't need YOU to play.

Who gave me my music?
Who gave me my reasons?
I realize it is not you.

I was born with these reasons,
I was born with the music,
And I've finally let go of your boundaries that you gave me,
I've finally done what had to be done,
I've let myself fly free from your grasp.

I'll become that musician whom I promised to be,
I'll journey across the world and experience the music,
I'll do all I can to fulfill my dreams,
She will help me-I'm sure she will,
And you'll be with me too in a way I cannot explain,
But I'm not trapped with you anymore,
I'm free like the northern winds of the arctic,
I'm one with music again.

Although you won't be that big part of my life anymore,
I'll still remember you,
For you cried with me in the hardest of times,
You sung with me in the brightest moments,
But I've done something alone I'd never thought I'd do:

I've let go of you.