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by Spirit
It's nice but it has a ways to go. At some times there aren't enough words, at other times it's too wordy. (If that makes since) I think that it really has potential and can go far. You might also want to add so puntuation. Tell them I was impressed.
by Alone in the crowd
Thank you I will most deffinately tell them this. Thanks for reading this, I believe this will give them some confidence.