I think you had a good idea and i see where you were going with this, but there seemed to be some forced rhymes. try some free verse that helps me get stuff out.

Seems more like a rap.?.
I agree with what the previous comment said.
good job though.

Don't you see that the majority of this Website suffers from being left allone! hehe i am one of them and you are either ,,anyway i liked how you showed your feelkings in a simple way ..
:)