Unwated parent's

by shlok   Dec 11, 2009


We were born by pleasure
not by their choice,
there isn't anyone
to hear our voice.

Nobody gave us
our basic necessities,
all they could give is
pain, hatred and pity.

We don't want anything
from this careless mankind,
All we want is a place of love
that no one would mind.

Have we faced a lot of
pain in the past story?
Now we'll make our own world
for which no one feels sorry.

We unwanted children are
happy to dwell in ignorance,
we consider ourselves blessed
and 'you' as 'UNWANTED PARENT'S'.

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Latest Comments

  • 14 years ago

    by KJ

    Hmmm. Very emotional write. There were a few suggestions that I would like to make though:

    "We were born by pleasure
    not by their choice,
    there's aren't anyone
    to hear our voice."
    ^^instead of 'there's aren't anyone' why dont you change it to 'there isn't anyone'? that way when you are reading it, not only will it sound better, but it will create a better flow.

    "Nobody gave our
    basic necessity,
    all they could give is
    pain, hatred and pity."
    ^^'Nobody gave our basic necessity', how about 'Nobody gave us basic necessities' or 'Nobody gave us the basic necessities'? and in the third line 'is' should be 'was'

    "We don't want anything
    from this careless mankind,
    All we want a place of love
    that no one would mind."
    ^^third line, add 'is' before 'a'

    "haven't we face a lot of
    pain in the past story,
    Now we'll make our own world
    for which no one feels sorry."
    ^^'haven't we face a lot of pain the past story'. This sentence is a little confusing to me. 'Have we faced a lot of pain in the story?' maybe that will sound better (with the question mark).

    "We unwanted children's are
    happy to dwell in ignorance,
    we consider ourselves blessed
    and 'you' as 'UNWANTED PARENT'S'. "
    ^^first line 'children's' should be just 'children'. but this last stanza was the best. great way to conclude an emotional piece.

    Overall, you did a great job. But it could be a little better with the correct grammar. Fantastic job with the emotion once again. I am not trying to rewrite your work, I just wanted to help out with suggestions.

    4/5

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