Again this was a wordy piece. If you're going to make a piece this long, every word should count an dmean something. Reading this I got bored at times because of your simple word choice. I'd work on trying some new words or my exciting words. Your imagery is basic and I think you could do so much better if you improved your diction. The syntax was choppy and made reading this difficult. Overall I think you expressed yourself well which is what counts to me. Just work on being more concise, you have the skill to do so. Nik

This is so beautifully written..
great job :)