I've learnt that after many years of trying, you sometimes want to give up and that some people will walk in and out of your life without giving you a second thought. I learned that even though you give your entire heart to someone, it doesn't mean they want to keep it for themselves, it sometimes means they want to hurt it. I've learned that despite the fact that there is supposed to be good around every corner, there will always be someone to put you down. There will always be someone who will spit in your food even though you worked so hard to prepare it and sometimes, there won't be anyone to pick up the pieces that are left behind. Over seventeen years of going through everything that young children could go through, I have learned that there is no such thing as hope when it comes to the people you thought were there to protect you. There is no such thing as motherly love or even affection for that matter. Everyone has different opinions and sometimes they can be *ssholes. I have learned that sometimes when it's the easiest to just let go, it's even harder giving up. And sometimes the person that does make you cry will hurt you all the same as the person who makes you smile. Sometimes it's not how hard it is to tell what you are feeling but how easy it is for someone to look over it without giving you a second thought. Sometimes it's the hug, the kiss, maybe even a smile that gives you the feeling of hope inside until it completely crashes and you realize just how much of a dumb*s* you really are. And sometimes the person that you thought wouldn't deceive you, let you down, give up on you, break apart finally just explodes and you see what they really think. But the best thing I have learned throughout everything is that I'm not learning anything. History has a sense of repeating itself and I believe that. There will be another instant when your so called motherly love will strike against you and attack you until every bit of love and passion is drained out of you. There will be an instant when looking at the shiny razorblade lying on your bedside table looks rather good and thinking it would look better coated with your blood. Because to you, your arms are still the arms that you failed with and still the arms you failed to communicate with enough not to be there in the state that you are in. There will be several instances when dying seems like the most amazing thing ever and wondering who would react how and if even half the people you know will remember the color of your eyes or the sound of your laughter. You wonder if they will even remember your full name, if they would cry. But then you stop wondering and tell yourself it wouldn't matter because you would be dead and gone and there would be nothing they could do to bring you back no matter how hard they tried to pump the blood back in your system. No matter how hard they try to make your lungs inhale and exhale with the oxygen surrounding, no matter how many times they restart your heart there will be nothing they can do to change the death that would be cast upon you. I thought I knew all that I needed to know. I thought that I was set for life when it came to being on the good side of the world and not being hung for being black or having more than one kid, or even because I choose to dress differently. But the truth is there is no such thing as hope because no matter whom it is and what they are doing and saying they will eventually let you down. You don't think it until it happens to you and then you feel like your heart might fall right out of your chest and you might lie there bleeding with all the words that you could have never said. The words that would spill out of your wrists until you are completely bled dry; until there are no more words that will be uttered out of the thin lips on your face as your body lay there limp, white, and naked with the thought of death lying on the surface of your skin. Will they check your pulse? Will they wonder why you did it or how it was even done without some sort of instrument near to your body to be done with? Will they know it was because of your insides twisting around your bones breaking them and cracking them? I bet they won't because half of them don't give a rat's *ss what happens to you the other half only act and there is only a handful of the ones who would even slightly feel the ache in their heart as they watch your limp body lay solidly on the floor. That's the basic truth. There is no such thing as forever because forever always dies. I'm the perfect example.
