I am afraid
of what tomorrow may be like
or if
I can even change.
I am unsure if
I can right my wrongs
or if I write the songs
spinning dizzily in my head
like a mixcd stuck on repeat
reminding me of the good
even though I sometimes
can only see the bad.
I am afraid
my insecure irrational doubts
have enclosed my terrified
heart that is so inclined to simply
run and hide away from
any of these deep seated emotions,
and have chased away the closest friend
I could ever be blessed and don't deserve having.
I am afraid
my fear has cost me one
who could create a storm of emotions between jealousy and sadness who could bring me to tears,
yet could make me smile in my darkest hour,
and feel grounded and safe even if I didn't know it.
I am afraid
I am not as clever
or charming or spectacular
as you'd like to imagine.
I am no as brave and unique as some would try
to assure my over analytical mind
as it turns all of these irrationalities
over and over and over again.
Mostly, I think,
I'm rather terrified
of taking the chance to let you in.
