Does she love you?

Dear John, How have you been? I have been....... Well if you want the honest hundred percent truth... I have been a mess Since you left. I feel awful. and my stomach is always so sick. My heart is not it's self... It misses you I can tell... You taught it how to draw happy faces and laugh. Without you... my heart sleeps all day. but if you want me to lie... I will smile and say I have been great and I could not be better... I could lie John, I learned from the best. John How is Raven? Is she everything you dreamed of? Does she make you happy? Does she love you? If you tell me she loves you I'm sorry I will laugh... How could she love you as much as me? Believe me it is not a question, it is a statement. Does she know that when you are hurt, that you are not afraid to show it in anger and who ever is nearest to you you will aim for them? Does she know how when you are nervous your left leg shakes uncontrollably and the only way to stop it is if someone lays there hand on it and calms your fears? Does she know that you have 4 laughs? one when you are in front of your friends, one when you are flirting with a girl, one where you are laughing off your pain and the last one, my favorite one, the one when you are laughing at a joke I just told you. Does she know how stubborn you are? Does she know you like to play games with peoples minds, just so you will win? Does she know you spend your afternoons watching World history shows on discovery channel, because you are a nerd but you would never admit that to your friends? Does she know your favorite color is blue, and you hate when people complement you eyes? Does she know you secretly hate your life but you deal with it anyway? Does she know all your secrets? and favorite spots to be touched? Does she know when somebody touches your hair you freak out? Does she know you take showers twice a day but you still never feel clean enough? Does she know that your nose crinkles when you are about to say something mean. Does she know your favorite movies are all about blood and murder? Does she know about your mom? Does she know how to react when you have had a bad day? or does she just know how to unbutton your pants? I'm not trying to be mean believe me... I should show you the meanest side of me but that kind of range, even you don't deserve.. I am not entirely sure why I am convinced I love you and why I think you are oh so charming and all that other bull crap. but if there is one thing I do know that has kept me around for so many years is that it all lays in your heart. What lays in your heart? You are probably wondering? Well... a piece of me that I hate lays in your heart. A side of me the world has never seen. Only God and you have seen that side of me. And when I look at your heart it is like a mirror into the past.... showing me who I was before you. I love the idea of you being happy... but are you happy Johnny? because if you are then I will feel like a complete idiot for sticking around this long. I had my heart in my hands... and I was giving you everything... but you didn't take it? and I admit I am being foolish but hey my heart picked you and I picked you and I want you... more than I have ever wanted anything in my whole life. Do you think about that night a lot? I do. I think about it every night before I fall asleep.... Remember when we were laying there in the dark.. and your bed was way to small for the both of us so we were sitting so close to one another, it was about 3:00 in the morning and we were playing silly little games like thumb wars? I almost beat you too but you cheated because in that moment you held my hand? Do you remember that? The first time you laced your hands perfectly in mine? I do. I think about it every time I look down at my hands. Which is a heck of a lot considering I am a writer. When you held my hand you held everything John... I just want you to know that you were not just holding my hand but you were holding me in a way nobody ever had before. My breathing was heavy and to my surprise so was yours. Was it foolish of me to believe you loved me? In that moment... When you were holding me, Everything stopped... Like God had frozen time just so I could say what I wanted to say... ''John can you promise me something?'' You looked at me with serious eyes.. ''anything.'' ''Promise me that you will never.. you will never stop being my friend, that you will never leave me.'' You shifted and you let go of my hand for a second I was really scared but you held my palm and you took in a deep deep breath. Your voice was shaking as you said ''Never.'' Then you wrapped my pinky around yours and got real real close to my face and said... ''I pinky promise I'll never leave you again.'' John...................... You lied. And I understand that I pushed you away time and time again... but if you loved me... really loved me... you would of fought for what I thought we had. Over the years I have been trying to forget you but I always come back and I always knew I would. You could kill me and I would come back from the dead just to hear you say you love me one last time. John what was it? Was I not pretty enough? Smart enough? Strong enough? What was it that made you run? My heart is like your punching bag. And you always always would hit it but like a doctor you would heal it. I love you. No I am not saying it to hear it back with an I love you more... but listen to me when I say... I LOVE YOU. because you took away the bad stuff. You were my reason to stay alive... If anything before you I wanted to die... but John You took away the bad stuff ..... Just by your eyes, which by the way are the prettiest blue I have ever seen. You took away my pain, like a drug you made me sane... but drugs don't last forever.... You were my prince charming riding in on a white horse... but you most of taken a wrong turn because you are riding away into the sunset with the only thing you love... yourself... I mean some days... the pain is just numb and I don't feel a thing.. but most days the pain is all I feel. And the pain hurts a lot... like some days I just stare at my ceiling all day thinking about you and I literally choke on my tears. Or other days I am so scared to talk to anybody because I know that scream deep inside of me is bound to come out. It was like you were my shield from everything.. without you the nightmares came out, the sad faces and torture came out. Without you the bad stuff came back 10 times more painful. I am lost in my on insanity. I mean Most people would find curves and ways to make this all seem made up.. like I am crazy and I could not possibly love you because blah blah blah... but I'd like them to feel the way you made me feel and then have it taken away from them..... Then they would learn to keep their mouths shut.. cause they could try there darn hardest but I am always going to remember the way you made me feel... nothing in my life can compare to that, of this I am sure.... John I am not writing this in the hopes that you will finally realize your undying love for me. but I am writing this to show you a little piece of my heart.. To show you why I can't meet your eye.. to show you how much of an importance you are to this little invisible girl .. to let you know you are never alone because if you every feel alone you can be darn sure I am thinking about you.... to let you know that you are special and no matter how bad or how many times you hurt me.. I still and always will keep that pinky promise. because when I told you... I love you... It came from my heart not my lips... So I wanna ask you one more time.... Does she love you?