I feel uncertain.
but should that really be a surprise?
I mean, most things aren't for certain.
I know this.
I should know this.
Yet I don't.
Because I believed we were for certain.
I felt safe in our confusing situation.
I found comfort in your words.
I believed we would exist as you and me, as we.
I never left any room for doubt,
Never questioned your true feelings.
Actually I did, quite a bit I might add.
But i convinced myself it was real.
That it was true.
I couldn't bare to imagine the other option:
That it was all artificial and flimsy.
But maybe it always was.
Or maybe it just got to be that way.
I could walk away right now.
I mean I should
Leave.
With my heart still intact.
With my pride and my sanity.
I should just walk away before I get left.
Before I find this isn't really what I thought it would be.
Do you remember what I said?
That I had 2 options-
Jumping in, head on, trying this out.
Or leaving, telling you it was all wrong.
I made up my mind then.
But now I'm not so sure.
I'd rather convince you of a lie
Than have to pick up all the pieces if or when this thing falls apart.
This is a messy thing we have.
I love you, this is true.
You love me, there's a good chance of that being true as well.
But it is enough?
What happens when I say the wrong thing?
When you see I'm not pretty or smart or funny?
When you see I'm not really good enough?
Because you will, I know it.
And that's not fair to me-
Never knowing when you'll decide you've had enough.
When you'll decide to walk away
I guess that's what it boils down to:
you leaving me,
And how much I fear that.
But why fear the inevitable?
I mean, people will always leave me.
I' just not that good enough to keep around.
I mean I'm no one special really.
How sad is this?
I'm doing what I always said I never would-
Getting all sentimental over a boy.
I always promised myself I'd never let it get that far.
That I'd never get too attached,
Because it would only lead to disappointment.
That I'd leave before I got left.
But I think its gotten to that point,
past it even.
Where I can't bring myself to talk away.
Crap.
