This is MY vision!

I like the message of the piece. I agree with you. I hate war and I think it's one of the things that's wrong with the world. I like how honest you are and how sincere your words are. You had a lot of problems with your mechanics so I would work on those. Kay Jay pointed most of them out, so I'd look at her comment and fix the things she suggested. I think this would have been a lot better if it was free verse. Your ideas seem forced by the rhyming words and I didn't like that much. You have very strong viewpoints and the rhyming messes that up. Anyways nice work. Nik

I like the poem, but i felt that the rhyming was a bit forced, and i woulds= advise to mix up the vocab, but all in all good work

Lovely. This was a topic I thought was generally well used. I loved the flow and rhyme to it. Also it had a significant meaning. There is so much pain in the world and people don't see it.

I love this part of the poem,
I see sky scrapers falling
And smoke stacks collapsing
I see the trees growing
Where there are animals roaming

Because I have always wondered what the world would be like without sky scrapers. And where we don’t cut down the rain forest and animals habitats.

Overall it was great.
Peace and dinos

This is MY vision

Its the wars that we study
And the people so bloody
The pain in their eyes
When bombs fill the skies

^^ In the first line: 'Its' should be It's (so it reads 'it is'). Nice introduction. I think you did a good job with catching my attention. Reading just this stanza makes me want to continue, just to see how deep it will go.

It all seems so foreign
So strange...
There is so much in life,
That I strive to change

^^'So strange....' I really liked this one line. It creates a pause; at the same time making my mind go places.

This is MY vision:
A world without pain
Where no one is slain
With so much disdain

^^I think that this is my favorite stanza. Although, you should add some commas, semicolons, and periods to this write. It sort of messes with the flow of the poem; because while reading, you dont know when to pause.

There are children;
Can you hear them cry?
The pain in their eyes
When a parent says goodbye

^^Again, punctuation.

I cannot understand
Why people need to abuse
Children so innocent
Marked solely by a bruise

^^A lot of voice hear. I really like the emotion you put into this here write. It is really felt and heard with these four lines.

This is MY vision
A world without pain
Where children aren't chained
And held in disdain

People are screaming
At enemies and friends
Hate filled eyes
With so many bad ends

^^This is truely the world today. So much chaos and commotion. These two stanzas hold a lot of truth.

I am trying to fight
For the people I care for
I am trying to fight
Against another world war

This is MY vision
A world without pain
Where people aren't trained
To laugh at the insane

I see sky scrapers falling
And smoke stacks collapsing
I see the trees growing
Where there are animals roaming

^^Nice imagery. I really liked your choice of vocabulary throughout; but really in this stanza.

A see no more fighting
No more pain in the world
Because in my vision
Love is unfurled

^^Wonderful conclusion. I liked that you switched it and made the ending more optimistic and.... happy.

Overall, I agree with MERCY. Most writers dont like their own works, but others really admire them. This is not a bad poem at all, but it could be a little better. The emotion was perfect, but I think that you were focusing too much on trying to make it rhyme. Poems dont have to rhyme to be great. But, beautifully written. I gave this a 4 because I think that it does need a little work. But you are a very talented writer and hopefully to take the suggestions listed above helpful.

Keep writing :)

--KJ

Well i really like it i mean i dont see much wrong with it but i mean most people wont be happy with their own work i mean in my opinion you did a great job