Descent to Hell

I exit the house and I walk
I walk slow
to be sure I want this
I don't know where I'm headed
but I won't be back
I carry nothing with me
Because I never liked things
And all the junk collected there is so useless to me now
Now that you've gone.
I walk in the road,
(slowly)
because I've never much cared for safety.
I do not turn around
I do not look back
I know they hang their heads out the door.
Yelling.
perhaps chasing the dog that ran
as soon as the door opened
I know you still stand there
Probably haven't moved
Probably still churning with anger,
disappointment
All for me.
I've managed to come across a busy street
I cross without hesitation
and almost make it across
and almost regret not looking
and almost live
when a semi
manages to hit me head on
(What luck)
minutes (Hours?) later
there you are
standing over me
checking for my pulse
talking to your partner
(Partner?)
that's not you
the flashing lights aren't yours.
I recede to black
sinking slowly.
(It's so hard to swim)
and this water is so thick.
so easy to let myself sink
I empty breath
allow myself to sink further
touch bottom.
(Is this what it feels like to die?)
darkness clears (mostly)
and I'm on the edge of a cliff
(Not this place again!)
the only thing separating me from
the edge is a few steps
and there you are,
face contorted with rage
Say the three words I've longed to hear,
"I hate you."
Then, you push me off and I'm falling,
my screams swallowed by the blackness
do not echo,
I no longer exist.
I fall through air
and I tumble over and over myself
(I don't want to be here
No, I don't want to be here.)
I will myself to fly, but only keep falling.
deeper into the dark (Hell?)
suddenly I'm lifted up.
Into a glowing light
(heaven?)
I grow wings
You're there to lift me up
onto the clouds
I'm wearing white
but suddenly,
the cloud is no longer solid
Your face shows horror,
reflecting mine,
as you attempt to pull me up
I feel like I'm being ripped apart.
a force rips the wings from my back,
leaving exposed ribs
blood dripping, spurting, staining
my not-so-white clothing.
I scream as the pain overtakes me,
let go of you and fall deeper
than before, screaming all the way
(I did not deserve you)
as I fall a cascade of holy water
falls beside me, turning black, then red,
the water of the damned.
I catch a glimpse of myself
within it.
but it is not me.
it is the face of that demon,
the one that screams at me.
bloodied fingernails rake across my face,
I recognize them as my own,
This is not me, I will not keep this face
a quick glance shows it is once again
my own face,
except,
with four large welts
across it,
blood in my eyes,
I see red.
As I fall, nearing the bottom,
my arm opens with the scars of the past.
muscle sliding off my arm like water.
leaving only dirty gray bone.
I scream for the longest time
why am I not blacking out?
how can anyone live with this pain?
I land in a hell, on a deserted road
I eventually get up, skeleton arm,
grinding bones and all, brain numbing
the pain, my heart stops.
I try to take in air.
I need air to survive
cannot breathe,
I claw at my chest
parting flesh and bone,
look down to the place
my heart should be,
find nothing
an empty cavity
where my heart should be
("Why can't you love?")
at least that makes sense now
I want to cry but cannot
I am incapable of crying
I have no heart.
I attempt a few steps, fall as shock waves
of pain overtake me.
(I must have laid there for days)
I get back up and I walk,
I walk slowly,
leaving a trail of blood
(In case you want to find me.)
I'm not sure where I'm headed
but I know I won't be back
Back where?
where did I come from?
Who am I even?
I carry nothing
but I don't mind
Did I ever own anything?
You,
I remember you.
Or was it you?
I only remember heartache
Someone once told me they hated me
Why?
I walk slowly
towards something I don't remember
I walk away from
something I'd like to forget;
Someone once told me they loved me.
I'll hold on to that as I walk through this hell.
The screams of the damned only background music.
And I'll wait for the day you decide
to find me.
(I don't want to think,
No, I don't want to think about it.)
I drop to my knees in a puddle of blood,
I don't recognize myself.
face scratched, skeleton arm
back no doubt a mess of blood and exposed ribs,
chest ripped open, cold rocks shoved in
to fill the place my heart once lived.
Now I wear red and brown
(from this blood.)
If you found me,
Would you know it was me?
Would you still want me?
I am a monster,
but I guess I can only wait and find out.
(I don't want to know,
no I don't want to know.)
I walk slow,
so you can catch up with me,
Walk away from everything with me.
(I no longer want to go,
No, I don't want to go.)