An Honest Man

My girl and I rented a house,
A cottage of our own.
She said: "I have one condition,
And this is set in stone."

"I expect only honesty;
A man, forthright and true."
She warned, if I should ever lie,
Our love affair is through.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't;
It's a catch twenty two.
I lose if I don't tell the truth,
And I lose if I do.

One night she baked a casserole,
And asked me what I thought.
I said it tasted terrible!
The truth was what she got.

She asked how she looked in a dress,
Which caused another spat,
I said, babe that's a pretty dress,
But it makes you look fat.

And then on Superbowl Sunday,
She got more of the same.
When asked if I'd like to cuddle,
I said: "after the game."

When her parents came to visit,
I called her mom a witch.
She claimed I wasn't good enough,
Because I wasn't rich.

Her father was a piece of work,
I guess that's how it goes,
He called me every name he could,
I punched him in the nose.

Once at a karaoke bar,
She butchered Blue Bayou.
She asked me, and I told the truth,
"Singing is not for you."

I hated renting videos,
She'd always rent chick flicks!
And I would fall asleep between
Her nudges and her kicks.

Last night she said she's leaving me,
She met somebody new.
He likes her parents, and the way
She sounds on Blue Bayou.

He says he loves her casserole,
It never makes him sick.
She says he hates the Superbowl,
And loves to watch chick flicks.

So girls, if love is what you seek,
I hate to spoil your plan.
The guy you're REALLY looking for,
Is NOT an honest man.