Comments : Looking at that picture....

  • 14 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "With a watered view
    I look at that picture of me and you,
    I look at those smiles
    And now I think of the miles."

    Good opening couple of lines, the emotion was straight there and the easy rhyme made this flow with a light hand.

    "The miles our relationship has traveled
    The words that have unravelled.
    We seemed so happy together
    How thats changed as quick as the weather."

    "thats" should be "that's".

    I admire how you tell how it truly is and put your heart's real thoughts down, you move the reader here.

    "Night after night I think of you,
    Wondering are you thinking of me too.
    Getting over you sure wont be easy
    Regret, it flows so freely."

    Second line: This would be better to read and understand if changed to this:

    "Wondering if you are thinking of me too."

    Just a suggestion but if you wish to keep what you have then you will need a question mark at the end to make it proper English.

    "Your protecting arms
    Your sweet little charms
    Are all the little things that I'm gonna miss."

    I liked your two descriptions here, you put them simply but in a way that only you would know after being with him.

    "To be with you one last time
    Just once, but I know your not mine."

    "your" should be "you're".

    "I'm sorry for hurting
    the person who loved me.
    I regret the day
    When I walked away."

    These were short but striking lines that left the reader in thought and saddened by this love that is gone. I'm sorry for what you have been through.

    Overall, I would say a 4/5. My main suggestion would be to work on your punctuation and grammar, at your age you can be open to so many new things and ways of learning, take advantage of that and hold steadily onto it. English will really assist you in writing poetry and any written masterpiece's and you may even learn vocabulary words, if you do that in class, I am not sure.

    Best of luck to you in your writing days, you have much potential and I wish you happiness.

    God bless you always!

    ~MaryAnne