Paper Article

by dollwithafrown   Mar 15, 2010


"tonight the weather's changing and beads of sweat replace
the lipstick kisses ingrained on skin, on your sweet familiar face.
and tragedy's got it's own call time, an act you won't want to miss,
you might know how the story goes, but do not turn your head from this."

"breakfast is the toughest time of all these humid days,
not even the finest strawberries can knock me out this haze.
and i microwaved a marshmallow, you always said it was best,
but all i seemed to get from this were tears and a sticky mess."

"your muddy footprints still linger on the cold linoleum floor,
which is probably why i can't forget your face going out the door.
and i'm sorry i'm still hanging, apologies for being a wreck,
but you always said that letting go would result in a broken neck."

"i tried to throw out your jumper, even a charity wouldn't do;
i don't want anybody to have even the slightest bit of you.
but i couldn't throw it away without remembering the nights
of star-gazing in your backyard, of making up for silly fights."

-

"i picked up the paper yesterday, the front story told of death;
a year ago a car crash took away a man's last breath.
he had a wife and children, now left within this curse,
i wish someone had told me sooner that i could have it so much worse."

"sometimes i wonder how exactly our life would have panned out,
would we have sailed across the ocean, done all the things we spoke about?
would we have lasted forever, palm in palm until the end,
even our dying moments together we would spend."

"i think i'll be okay now, realisations can hit you hard,
because even though you hate me, i'm not permanently scarred.
i'll see you walk down the street someday, maybe even offer a wave,
yet all this family can wave at now is their loved one's solid grave."

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Latest Comments

  • 14 years ago

    by Chelsey

    And i microwaved a marshmallow, you always said it was best,
    but all i seemed to get from this were tears and a sticky mess."

    ^^I thought that was incredibly cute!

    I'm not one to critique poems, I think people write how they write..I thoroughly enjoyed this poem and can't wait to read more from you. ..One often forgets that "someone always has it worse"...breaking up is hard, but death is even harder....I agree with the meaning to portrayed!
    Loved it!

  • 14 years ago

    by Levi

    This poem reminded me more of a diary entry.
    I liked the meaning behind it and it flowed well enough.
    Though I didn't really understand the full meaning of it until I read it all the way to the end.

    All in all I think it's good piece though a few touch ups would make it great :)

  • 14 years ago

    by Shinobi

    Loved this poem until the shocking end. It was more like a melodic story though. You rhymed it well, told the story from stanza to stanza in a very interesting way. I loved the way you put normal actions like microwaving marshmellows into something of sense. The second stanza was actually my favorite. It was an amazing story, and the contrast you gave about the family that had lost a husband, to your lost of the loved one ran shivers on my skin.

    A beautiful write indeed, keep it up! 5/5

  • 14 years ago

    by Malboros pipe

    I like this type of poetry when it is pulled off well, and you have it down to a T. Very descriptive and intriguing language you use. I would have left out the quotations at the start of the sentences. But that is only my opinion. Very well organized piece. Well done. 5/5

  • 14 years ago

    by Minkus

    Nitpicks:
    *"do not turn your head from this" -- just feels awkward to me. Think about changing "do not turn your head" to something else.
    *"knock me out this haze" -- shouldn't it be "out of"? The speaker doesn't seem like one to use slang of that sort. ;)
    *"...things we spoke about?" -- "spoke about" feels awkward, maybe just "talked" or even "dreamed would work better"
    *"i wish someone had told me sooner that i could have it so much worse." -- This line is longer than all the rest and so it sticks out unnecessarily. I think you could change the "I wish someone had told me sooner" part to something shorter without losing any of the meaning or feel of the line.

    This poem is a bit too long for me to pick on every little thing, so I'll have to generalize a bit. The flow was here and there. The rhythm was clearly established in the first line, but then the reader had to carry the rhythm instead of the rhythm carrying the reader. It might make for an easier read if the lines adhered more closely to the emphasis pattern established in the first line. But this isn't a major issue to me, as I was able to get through it just fine and none of the rhythm was all THAT awkward.

    The funny thing is, I started to write criticisms of two other aspects of the poem but each time, as I thought about them and looked back over the poem to make sure I knew what I was talking about, I realized that both things were intentional and actually CONTRIBUTED to the structure of the poem. They both had to do with how the poem seemed to feel so different at the start and at the end, but I realized that at the beginning you talked about specific sensory experiences in each stanza, while at the end you did more optimistic reminiscing. That's pretty cool.

    The poem's message got across very well, I think--an acceptance of the good things that you got from the relationship despite the pain that seemed so overwhelming right afterward.

    Great job on this poem; it's better than I realized at first glance, and that gives it depth to me. 5/5!

    Please praise if you feel this comment was helpful.

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