An End With No Beginning

I woke up to another beautiful summer day and I was making the most of it. I was scared and excited at the same time. One thing was on my mind. I was going to be a mother in 6 months! I didn't know how I was going to do it at 19, but I was surprised to find out that everyone I cared about were going to be supportive. I was at training for a second job for the summer to prepare for school in the fall. It was a fun day of training. On the bathroom break, I noticed that something wasn't right. The doctor had a said a little bit of spotting was fine, but it kept getting worse. I was scared. I didn't know what to do. I tried to make it through my training session because I hadn't told them I was pregnant, but so many thoughts were going through my head so I had to leave. The tears rolling down my face were an indicator that it was important for me to leave. I didn't want to explain myself. Not now. I called my doctors office. The receptionist told me that the doctor wasn't it and that I could go to the hospital, but if I was going to miscarry there was nothing I could do about it. I had not gotten insurance yet, but I went to the ER anyway. If there was a way to save my unborn child I would find it. The bleeding gets worse as I'm filling out the paperwork. My tears stained the pages and I still had to wait an hour before the doctor could see me. I was all alone in the room thinking about everything that could be happening. I started to have abdominal pain, and the doctor did the tests to see if I was losing the baby. She could not know for sure, but she kept reminding me that if I was losing it, than there was nothing she could do about it. The test came back and everything seemed fine except my hormone levels were low. The pain got worse, but she had other patients to deal with. When the nurse tried to console me and say that there was nothing she or I could do about it, it only made things worse. My tears turned into panting and I felt like I was going to faint. If not the most physical pain I've ever had to deal with, it was the most emotional pain. I couldn't lay still because all I could think of was the pain in my heart and abdomen. I paced the room alone, crying and screaming. I thought I was going insane. I leaning against the wall running around in the mesh underwear the hospital provided for me. I felt as if I needed to go to the bathroom; that I needed to push. I watched the and heard the fetus come out of me. I was giving birth to a dead fetus. The nurse said she had to go through the stool to look for tissue. I was never more hurt and humiliated in my life. The pain I was feeling was contractions. I had just given birth. I screamed at the pain and heartache I was feeling. Why was this happening to me? My boyfriend was gone all summer, and I was alone. Alone. The nurse and doctor stood around telling me that there was nothing they could do about it. I couldn't get ah old of anyone, I was still alone. They gave me pain meds after pain meds, but I would vomit before they could get into my system. Eventually, they injected me with medicine in my arm. I was prescribe medicine and sent on my way. I couldn't drive because of all the drugs they had given me, so I had to wait for a friend to pick me up. I would cry every night until I had no more tears. When I got the bill from the hospital, bad turned to worse. I was billed over $2000. I knew I would never be able to pay that much off. I had been billed $2000 for a bunch of people to tell me there was nothing they could do about it. I had to pay that much to miscarry in someone Else's bed rather than my own. I had to pay to put the remains of the baby I never got to have down their toilet rather than my own. I had to soak their pillows in my tears, and their sheets in my blood rather than my own. I when never forget that sunny summer day. The blue sky did nothing for my broken heart. When people tell me that it's all in "god's plan", I want them to go through what I had to go through. I know many people have. How can I believe god exists? Why would this be in his plan? I will never understand.