Unforgiven Sin

by Shinobi   Apr 24, 2010


Cold whispers run chills down my spine
As a clock's ticking desperately sounds
Far from being over, nowhere near fine
Dreaded within, a bleeding heart pounds

Reluctantly awaiting for unknown reasons
Clarifying my mind, washing thoughts away
Of all those sufferings, pain and treason
Those aching memories forcefully stay

A crimson red stain for a withering rose
Of a love once felt, now forgotten
People were lost, so no one knows
That What's inside stays hidden and rotten

Glaring happiness behind the door lays
But sorrow keeps it deep within
No sun to shine it's warming rays
Forgive me, father, for I have sin

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Latest Comments

  • 14 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    Karl said most of the things I saw. I agree with him on the ending though. I like the raw emotion put into this piece, that was enjoyable. Again your imagery is very strong here and makes the reader see and feel everything that's happening for you. I haven't written in this style for awhile but I do enjoy seeing others do it so job well done
    :] Nik

  • 14 years ago

    by Karl Wild GG23

    I thought the flow and rhyme scheme were pretty good for the most part. I wouldn't plural one rhyme and not the other though it just doesn't fit well. Also the neding might need to be changed around a little bit because it doesn't really make sense. "Forgive me father for I have sinned" would have sounded a 100 times better. Some extra words are capitalized that shouldn't be as well but easily could be fixed. 5/5

  • 14 years ago

    by Danielle

    Very good! I loved the flow and nothing seemed forced here. The images that I saw with this poem just blew me for a whirl! My favorite stanza was:

    A crimson red stain for a withering rose
    Of a love once felt, now forgotten

    Oh how this stanza stood out to me! =-] Marvelous!

  • 14 years ago

    by Danielle

    Very good! I loved the flow and nothing seemed forced here. The images that I saw with this poem just blew me for a whirl! My favorite stanza was:

    A crimson red stain for a withering rose
    Of a love once felt, now forgotten

    Oh how this stanza stood out to me! =-] Marvelous!

  • 14 years ago

    by Ray Smallshaw

    An excellently written thought provoking poem. Complicated at first by its underlying emotion and only really made graspable by its last line, "Forgive me, father, for I have sin". 5/5 Ray S

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