Reality's Brink

Nevi,*

Would it be wrong of be to say I have a little love affair with your shorter pieces? You have the ability to say so much in such few lines and I think it's something you should continue doing. Don't get me wrong, keep writing longer pieces but when you can do something so well that other struggle to do (like me) you have a talent. Now onto this poem.

First line, I don't think you should use the word "take" when saying "take a stroll. You already used "take" once before in the line and the repetition of it I find it to be unnecessary because without it the poem would still have the same concept, you'd still be asking someone to take your hand and stroll with you.

swingset should read swing set.

"The swingset out back
With a sidewalk in front
When the sunshine beats down
On the grass

That springs up from the cracks
We'll follow the trees
That shadow the path
Down to the shore"

This part became a little confusing for the reader, I liked the imagery you were presenting here, lovely touch but the line breaks caused the flow to falter. If you want to keep these two stanzas broken then in the 5th line the first word "That" should not be capitalized, without the capitalization the readers mind is able to acknowledge you don't wish for a longer pause then you've already built by forming the gap. In saying that I just noticed you capitalized all the first letters of your lines and I'd personally change that.

You definitely had the imagery down in this piece, it was lovely. I liked how you engaged the reader by asking them to take a stroll with you, very clever. This piece was interesting, I liked it about apart from my few suggestions it was an enjoyable read.

-Mel.

Okay, I already commented, but let me leave a real comment now, please.

Take my hand, and we'll take a stroll down
the sidewalk chalk border
of my world and hometown.

^^This is a lovely start and it reaches out to the audience. Excellent job.

We'll run from this country
I'll take you to mine,
Where the asphalt and stone
Give way to cloud 9

^^Love the emotion here and the hope of it.

The swingset out back
With a sidewalk in front
When the sunshine beats down
On the grass

^^ Stunning image here.

That springs up from the cracks
We'll follow the trees
That shadow the path
Down to the shore

^^Again so descriptive and wonderful. Simple, yet amazing.

Of the ocean
We have.
In the land that I think
Follow me down.

^^ Excellent all I can say.

....to reality's brink.

^Magnificent end.

As I said before the imagery in this piece is so terrific. There is a perfect hint of emotion here and it doesnt seem like you went over board as most do. The word choice is immaculate for being so simple.

5/5

MRK

This piece is amazing. it is very simple but it really is wonderful. Great job with imagery and emotion.