I didn't get a sense of cohesiveness in the poem. The end didn't seem to reveal a deeper insight; it just pulled in a cliche. The eighth line was awkward to me. It was hard for me to find the rhythm to go with the rhyme.

On the other hand, the poem started off very strong. I think you could work with the beginning (especially the first line) to come up with something great. Still a fair effort overall, and keep writing!