A Mistake

by ADyingProphet   May 20, 2010


I tell myself everything will be okay,
The picture comes in a stagnant decay.
Nothing beautiful emerges from a tapestry
Of lies.

Empty in my room, broken glasses of rum
Rejection tells me eventually you'll come.
But the frostiness of my arms tell me no, so
I cry.

Entwined in ache, prisoner to my own soul
The void in my heart belongs on the knoll
Where roses are meaningless and only left
To dry.

Thinking to myself, acting to shadow puppets
Invisible to the crimson tears on my carpet,
Seeking the isolated comfort of my bed, where
I lie.

Withered away to dust, my only enemy is time.
I dream a place where I see you on a lofty climb.
Until I smell the aurora of your alluring sachet,
I die.

My regret is that you didn't hear...I'm sorry.

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Latest Comments

  • 14 years ago

    by Gasttlee

    That's how I felt when I wrote "I'll Always Love You, Big Bro". I wrote because I cared about a really good friend, but because of my social insecurities, I've pushed him & many people out of my life. This kinda reminds me of that.

  • 14 years ago

    by MaSkEdSoUl

    The wording was good, it flowed nicely, I liked how you ended each stanza with a two liner. I liked this verse:

    "Withered away to dust, my only enemy is time"

    and the last line. Nicely written, keep it up!!

  • 14 years ago

    by LaLaROX

    Omg this poem had me on an emotional ride. it had me thinking like this is how my X should feel lol. This was amazing i loved it i hope she read this!!!

  • 14 years ago

    by Once an Angel

    I think the one you wrote this for should read this poem.

  • 14 years ago

    by Minkus

    Nitpicks:
    *"stagnant decay"--feels repetitive in an awkward way
    *"entwined in ache"--usage feels awkward, maybe "entwined with ache" instead--I could definitely be wrong here
    *"see you on a lofty climb"--"climb" is a little awkward, didn't stick out like the others though

    With those out of the way, I can talk about the really important stuff. Overall this poem felt great. It seemed pretty fresh to me, especially with the format of those two-syllable lines at the end of each stanza. That worked REALLY well. It was really well constructed. I really can't stress enough how well those closing lines worked for each stanza. I loved the imagery and symbolism of the rose on the knoll left to dry. The final line killed me, though! The rest of the poem was so poetically written and then the last line felt like a throwaway of some sort. I think you should either just take it out (which would be fine, since the poem would then end with "I die," which would be great) or revise it to fit better with the speaker in the rest of the poem. I think the main problem is that it seems to be a different speaker. But it's your poem, so do what you feel is right--5/5.

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