Comments : It's A Tree

  • 14 years ago

    by Karl Wild GG23

    I didn't hate the poem, but I didn't love it either. It wasn't even really a poem to me it was more like a story and the way it read was kind of annoying. You had no form and the flow was decent at best. I would maybe rearrange some words and make the lines and "stanzas" a lot stronger and it might be a little better. Gave it an honest 4/5

  • 14 years ago

    by AngelicDecadence

    Thoughts wander freely,
    Without sense of limitation.
    Dreams, fears, and ever lasting
    Aspiration are painted in a bold
    Indigo, forming a tree.
    ^"ever lasting" would sound a lot better as "everlasting" (I know, tiny change, but it really helps with how the poem is read)

    I see it stripped of leaves, and I know..
    There's no turning back now.
    Unsatisfied feelings, once trapped
    Within a mask of varying shades of
    Life's colors are painted amongst
    Skies in violet.
    ^ Hmm. Perhaps you could change the fourth line to "Within a mask, varying shades of" It sounds better to me, but i dont know if it would change what you were trying to say? I hope not.

    And with my heart hanging by
    A branch, I've painted the beauty
    Of feeling a feeling. There is no
    promise of a feeling returned,
    though we are never truly promised
    anything but this moment.
    And I would rather try.
    ^I don't think the "Ands" here are necessary. Also, the repition of "feeling" sounds odd to me. Im not sure why.

    With a tree of indigo, there is
    A feeling of beginning, and though
    They've tried to cut it down, my
    Heart lies strong, handing by a branch,
    For her and her beauty.
    ^did you mean hanging?

    The nights have grown long, though
    She is carried, her beauty pushing
    The tree to strive for its color.

    Her beauty is ever lasting through
    This painter's mind.
    ^again, I'd put "ever" and "lasting" into one word.

    It is painted through each drop of
    Water color, as the brush caresses
    the canvas ever so slightly, and they
    become one. Her beauty, her strength,
    her unfathomable and intriguing mind
    lie shown through every corner of the
    page, and everything that lies within
    reason of that hanging heart.
    Now is now, and I know..
    I must paint this picture.
    ^I'd change the first "lie" to "are" so that you don't have the same word repeated later in the stanza.

    -I really like this! I marked a few little corrections, but you don't have to change any of it, just an opinion ^.^ although, I don't normally enjoy how poems are written in this type, but I have to say I really enjoyed reading it. You brought a lot of imagery and it really brought the poem to life; well done. (: I look forward to the next.