I felt, personally, that the second stanza needed to be edited a lot, becuase it was too long in conjuction with the rest of the piece. I also felt, that in stanza five, the third line is far too short and the forth too long. I see what you've tried to do, but that's just my personal opinion. I also think you shouldn't of changed the rhyming scheme in stanza six and seven, as to me, it just seems odd. And lastly, on the negatives, I think the last stanza should've continued as the others, and had four lines to it. Sorry if it seems like I'm just trying to crap over your work, that's not my intention. I just want to help make you a better poet.

Brad

P.S. Please vote and comment on all the poems you read.

P.P.S. I'm sorry that after 5144 views, this is the first time someone is commenting and voting.