White Lies Don't Tell The Truth

It was more than a white lie,
To say that I was alright.

"I was a tough cookie and that made everything ok..."
If I were honest I would have said that no torture,
No pain nor panic, could ever top it.
Like watching the bubbles float up and away,
Dragged and drowning, until the surface disappears.

At first the push-then-pull confused my reality,
And "Where am I?" didn't stick.
Distracting myself while trusting others confusion,
And the minutes that seemed like days?
I transformed them for myself in secret.

Sessions of self destruction,
And concern from nameless faces,
Pulling me in directions I was forced to go.
Floating just below the system,
And I didn't notice the barreling train...

I couldn't find the turns to take,
Standing still seemed the safest place.
Tempting hatred kept doing me in,
Sealing my fate, insanities jail.
Back and forth, enslaving the melody to intensity.

Lost and found. "Gone for a while..."
When I couldn't accept momentary happiness.
Transfixed on the inevitable end to each one.
So I pushed and I ruined all the colors of dishonesty,
And found my canvass comfortably black and white.

More than changed once Angels looked like beasts.
If I had trusted them once, it was no longer.
If I had anything left to protect, I couldn't be stronger...
Slipping backwards and skinning my palms,
Terrified of trust; desperate attempts to escape it's claws.

Never expected anyone to understand why,
I thought my burdens were heavier then they could bare.
So I blocked myself out believing they'd benefit; my own lies.
And I cut them loose and made sure they'd never try again.
But alone I could hurt the one I thought deserved it then...

I surfaced all safe and sound,
But sensitive scars still rip from time to time.

"I was a tough cookie and that made everything ok..."

It was more than a white lie,
To say that I was alright.