Comments : Season's Farewell

  • 14 years ago

    by Gness

    This one stood out for me more than most poems I liked the rhyme scheme. The use of seasons and months was cleverly used. well done.

  • 14 years ago

    by Jad

    You have done an excellent job with the poem for the contest. I loved the great imagery you put into this piece painting a beautiful picture for us to see and feel with our minds. Your flow was flawless from the very beginning to the end.

    "Then you tenderly fall over these shivering lips
    unlike the rich rain of winter that harshly drips
    though it feels like summer wont ever come near
    for nature lost this face, as you died last year"

    This was definitely my favorite stanza in this poem as in the last two lines you fill it with a sort of provoking sadness that goes very well with the rest of that stanza. Once again I have to say that you showed a lot of creativity in this piece. Your talent showed really well as one saw the big picture you painted as already said with the metaphors you use. Good job and keep writing.

  • 14 years ago

    by Jim McMillen the man within

    Another beautiful piece , just what I have come to expect from you :-)
    5/5..Jim

  • 14 years ago

    by Meena Krish

    THis is truly a very lovely piece of nature you
    have painted by incorporating each season
    with emotions..it flowed and gave such a tender feeling to it..enjoyed this read!

  • 14 years ago

    by Soft Parade

    Beautifully crafted words make up a truly descriptive vision of the seasons end and the life cycle throughout.
    Inspiring poetry.

  • 14 years ago

    by Lana

    Stunningly beautiful. Love the picture you have painted here and I like how you have woven the different emotions into seasons for, I do think our mood changes with each one. Emptiness and loneliness in autumn and winter followed by hope and joy of a new beginning spring and summer may bring.

    As usual the flow and wording was impeccable!

  • 14 years ago

    by The Prince

    Colourful poem you have here. Couple of criticisms though:

    'My heart heavily beats, like the days of December'

    Your opening line is unfortunately the weakest line of the poem -- I feel that the vague image you've presented doesn't follow or set up the right tone for the poem you've written. This is the equivalent of saying 'my eyes slowly water, like the months of February' see how the image isn't really clear? Don't ever sacrifice anything for rhyme, especially clarity.

    'for beauty will die once again, as you did last year'

    You've addressed beauty in the first and third person here, it's slightly nonsensical.

    'esting above a numb land, like an Autumn tree
    Naked among cold breezes running through me
    I recapture you assorted between golden fields,'

    These three lines are quite beautifully written, but the final line doesn't quite match up:

    'painted with a dusty season that needs a shield'

    Feels really forced. A shield? Doesn't sound right to me.

    Then you tenderly fall over these shivering lips
    unlike the rich rain of winter that harshly drips
    though it feels like summer wont ever come near
    for nature lost this face, as you died last year'

    Harshly drips? This is the equivalent of saying 'violently strokes' since 'drips' brings me connotations of slow, hypnotic, tranquil -- harshly interferes with this image.

    I'm still finding this transition between third and first person disquieting.

    'If only this creation was a garden for me to tend
    you would be my own to plant firmly till the end
    a field of everlasting trees of hopes and dreams
    growing colorfully reaching for my sunbeams'

    Not keen on the final line, since 'my sunbeams' sounds too abstract for me. It would sound better like: 'colourfully growing -- reaching for my sunbeams' if you choose to keep 'my' as the possessive noun here.

    Your writing has improved but I never comment poems without criticisms because no poem, I feel, is ever without its faults.

    Thanks for sharing.

  • 14 years ago

    by Sungrl And Mrs Whatsit

    Your expression of your loss
    so elegantly is going to be
    memorable to me...

  • 14 years ago

    by PinkyPrincess

    Awww... beautiful poem about nature and seasons coming to an end. I really enjoyed this poem. Your lovely poetry always affects me :)

    Wonderful job!