It is very nice. very detailed. i like it but there's something missing....no offense

That was great.
I had to read it several times, until I caught the message.

I like this out with the old in with the new line. "Old love passing slowly into the night. Eclipsed by the rising of a golden sun."

You have a typo on the word "you" here: it should be "your"

Overall it was a pretty intense poem.

David

sorry about the typo! I am about to move in the next 48 hours so I will try to update and learn more when I get a chance and thank you for all who have looked, voted and commented.

Like I said this is the first time I have tried anything like this but I will try to get better.

you can express your words very well, good job