A War Within the Mind

Luanne
What a great piece. Your word choices bring the poem to life. So emotion filled.

Poet`s breath
-hushed-
by passing cloud,
as
the pendulum swings.

Tick-Tock Tick-Tock ...

Tick -

Awesome ending!
Love Cindy

The title, as already said, is simply wonderful. I wouldn't have though of a better one and it is very deep when one thinks about it. Now for the poem. I really liked the poem as it can be interpreted several ways and also your lovely word choice in this poem as it made the poem more mature in a sort of way. The lines were deep and moving, very good for a poem this short.

"A curse on me,
a tragedy -
Diamond tipped
dreams,
shattered by weak logic."

This had to be my favorite stanza as it made me feel weak as I even read it. Your lines were beautifully written with sorrow in the verses. Saying that, I also like the emotion you put into this piece as it cries forth sorrow and weariness of heart. All in all, I was impressed with every bit of this poem and like before I was pulled in from your starting stanza up until the last one. Great job and keep writing.

Where to start Lu,

I've been struggling to write for awhile now. Actually, I've been struggling to write for a year now, but when I read this poem you made me want to write. I look at your poem and see emotion so raw that it makes my heart feel tender and that feeling allows me to find words to write about. This poem is beauty in the rawest form.

What I'd like to know is if this version is the 2010 version, is the older version posted on your account?

I'll start with some constructive critism first because I'm not sure if I am reading it wrong, you wrote "A Tragedy" 2010 version, does that mean that was the title of the earlier version? It became quite confusing having that there and then beneath it the title of the poem written, perhaps placing it at the bottom would be better because you read the word 'tragedy' there and when you get to it in the poem its like you have already heard it before in the poem (when infact you haven't) and it loses the first time round effect. That wasn't the constructive critism by the way, haha.. just a suggestion.. onto the constructiveness now..

The only thing I can point out is the repetition of words, and words of the same meaning or describing the same thing. For example you mentioned poet twice and it did work well on both occasions but I think to have it once would have a stronger impact, because the emotion can become lost the second time something is repeated. The other thing is the repetition of using words to describe cold, I am notorious for re-describing something that I already have before and while I know the cold is your theme it wasn't necessary to have it more then once. Your first stanza had 'razor cold' your third 'freezing stillness' and I know this is part of your theme and I personally do like the use of it twice because it adds to the chilling effect over the atmosphere but it is just something I learnt this year from a lecturer, that even if you are changing the words you are re-creating the same thing twice.

Apart from that this poem was breath taking, I loved the use of the word pendulum and the refrence to time to end the poem. The fact you didn't end it with another 'tock' was excellent and very creative. It was as though a pocket watch had frozen on the tick, just before tock. I also like that it symbolized 'ending'

I loved the use of 'Surrender !' I felt myself freeze while reading this piece so it definitly had that sort of impact on the reader.

Overall an elegantly penned poem packed with emotion. Something that I definitly found myself relating too.

-Mel

A powerful write this was. You have chosen a combination of some very interesting words here and it worked beautifully, ("razor cold depths of reality" "borrowing my hearts feeble stillness" "diamond tipped dreams"(especially loving that one)) and also created some lovely images. Amazing job! Kudos!

A War Within the Mind

FIRST OF>>ALL..the title is really deep, and can be interpreted in different ways.

Death -

In the razor cold depths
of reality,
brush-strokes ravage
my mind.
^^^^^^
I so loved your opening stanza!
I is very very deep and insightful .
The word choice was perfect and I had my own
images and conclusions..for when I saw razor and reality..I started to think about how
cruel truth can be!
And how reality is really sharp and precisely dangerous..
very deep!

Alone, I am ...
In a poet`s grave
swallowing the enemy.
(Decaying within empty air)
^^^again i loved your 2nd stanza and it gave me
such a chill when I reached the word grave..you know I saw you in a very wild lonesomeness..fighting with the voidness that's revolving round ur life

Surrender !
(someone said)
or perhaps ...
it was my feeble mind
borrowing my heart's
freezing stillness.
^^^very smart..a very smart stanza..
it's like when we are too tired..too sick..or too much dwelling in pain and we hear this evil and weak companion that's living inside of us start pushing us to give up..and let go..
Very real..gd job!

A curse on me,
a tragedy -
Diamond tipped
dreams,
shattered by weak logic.
^^^AAAAAAAAWWWWWw
i soooooooooooo
love ur ending words of this stanza..it's just amazzing and poetic and deep..and thoughtful!!

Poet`s breath
-hushed-
by passing cloud,
as
the pendulum swings.
^^^again very very poetic..the word choice is inspiring ..very sad..and the way u ended it with tick tock...made me see the silence and pain that this person talking is living in..
when your in bed or in ur dark room..sitting there listening to the sounds of the clock..as time passes you by..with you drenched with thoughts and thoughts and sadness..

thanks a LOT..for sharing

5/5 SURE