I think that this could be a much stronger piece if you were to just tighten up the flow, which you could easily do with a little editing of the structure. I also thing you could put a little more strength in this piece. Find stronger rhymes.

Although it might not have come across, I did like this piece, and feel that it has potential to be better if you worked on it a little more.

Brad

P.S. Please comment and vote honestly on every poem that you read.