Calliope

by sibyllene   Dec 11, 2010


I sing of heroes.
Of Achilles and Patroclus
and the clasping of their shoulders.
Of fine-browed Hector, leaving streaks of blood
around his palace walls.

I sing of men in throes of battle,
souls chewed and swallowed
by the gaping jaws of death, their bodies
left as fodder for the crows.

But I am a woman with wide eyes,
and I collect the moments that slip between
the lines sung by bards, accompanied by
flutes and bowls of wine.

I see sharp, wounded Penelope
sitting at her loom,
weaving a funeral shroud from
a spool of her wasted years.

I see Helen sitting on her couch,
eating red grapes
one by one,
wishing she would choke,
as hordes of men break like waves
against the palisade.

I see a dozen maids hanging out like laundry
for the vengeance of one man.
Their ghosts flit about,
still scrubbing the wretched blood of their lovers
off the flagstones.
It leaves stains like spilled wine.

Unsung, these moments catch at the bottom of my tongue
and I swallow them whole.
In me, they will grow swollen and die,

and when I lie still forever, they'll seep into the ground
and sprout into a tree
branched with the bitterest of olives.

--------------------------

I've changed up the form significantly since the site contest. This is more how I would have written it without the line limit, but now I can't decide if I like it or not. Especially, I used a lot of commas out of a need to separate phrases, which might not have been necessary if I were to use line breaks as separation. Now I have all these commas, and I can't decide which to keep. I'm really bad at altering a poem once I've declared it "finished," so I might need an outside opinion. If you're leaving a critique, I'd appreciate your thoughts on the new lines breaks.

    report violation
5


Did You Like This Poem?

Latest Comments

  • 11 years ago

    by Robin A Walter

    You sing from the heart, knowing light and sorrow lies before our paths, in hope and in death, you are the storm and the watcher; still you remain the same.

  • 13 years ago

    by Madison

    Amazing

  • 13 years ago

    by Kevin

    Great poem. Excellent idea, and the flow and spot on.

    Few suggestions

    Perhaps don't repeat the "I see" opener on so many stanzas...and also..this stanza

    I see a dozen maids hanging out like laundry
    for the vengeance of one man.
    Their ghosts flit about,
    still scrubbing the wretched blood of their lovers
    off the flagstones.
    It leaves stains like spilled wine.

    doesn't fit with the others, perhaps it's a syllable count gone wrong, or perhaps you intentionally wanted a break to the flow, but it feels akward to me.

    /wink

  • 14 years ago

    by abracadabra

    Oh man. This is good. By "good", I obviously mean some other word that is not encompassed by "good". I actually have your original poem open in another window. Let me compare.

    On the whole, I like this one better, I think. What I miss about it are some of the long lines that felt more..."epic-like". That kept running and then they were followed by a poignant little ending on a separate line. It was so effective, especially in the original first stanza.

    I think your first two stanzas here should be joined somehow, in a run-on fashion. Then a new stanza introducing the new tone of the feminine awareness of Calliope.
    I liked "break like waves against the palisade" in one line together.
    I didn't notice any excessive use of commas here.
    I liked the way you broke up the rest.
    I liked the way you did your hair today.

  • 14 years ago

    by Sungrl And Mrs Whatsit

    I just reread this, and I now get
    what you are doing with those definitive periods...
    I was wrong....
    about the semi-colons
    for the tone you are delivering...
    ooops...

    Think I'll just go back to
    philosophical comments...chuckle...'-)

Read All Comments (7)

More Poems By sibyllene