I go to the drive through and make
my order. I pull up, pay and wait for
my food. The woman who brings it to
the window looks at me, to the three
other empty seats and back to me.
She makes a face, almost as though
she was expecting a whole family to
be in the car at midnight. She hands
me the two bags of food and I drive
away, mortified and ashamed. I drive
and drive until I find an empty parking
lot in a secluded area. No people, no
cameras, just quiet. You told me to do
what makes me happy, but this doesn't
make me happy, it kills me inside because
I know it hurts you and yet I do it anyway.
I begin to eat as some stupid rap song I
vaguely know plays in the background. I
continue to eat until I feel like I'm about to
explode. I take the two bags the food came in
and double them up, throwing the wrappers
onto the floor of my car. I bend over and shove
two fingers down my throat and my insides
wrench and writhe. Vomit comes up freely
and pours down into the bag. When I'm done
tears soak my face and snot is running
down from my nose towards my chin. I
clean myself up and walk over to the garbage
bin, throwing everything away. Then I return
to my car and rest my head on the steering
wheel, crying and feeling like a failure.
I don't want to do this, I don't want to hurt you.
I don't want to feel dead inside anymore.
I don't want to feel like a stranger in my own skin.
