In the end it doesn't matter what I do or say,
I'm still here looking back on things I wasn't a part of.
No matter how hard my brain rejects taking that glance,
I'm still here looking back on things I wish I never saw.
I could stand on my soap box & preach the dangers of staying in the past,
But the truth is I'm still here looking back on things I'll never have.
Won't someone give me guidance & tell me I'm where I should be?
Not that it'll help because I'll still be here looking back & feeling sorrow.
There's nothing I can do to change those events,
I just look back on things I can't reverse.
Its where I'm at in life that makes me think I should be happy,
Still I'm looking back on things thinking maybe I ruined something great.
All the insults I was given & all the beatings taken out on me,
I'm looking back on those things & I'm remembering.
Every night I tell myself that it was out of my control & it wasn't my fault,
Yet I sit here looking back & wondering if they really were.
I make friends with people I don't really care for because they hurt me,
I'm still here though looking back & convincing myself that they need my help.
People use me on a daily basis but I don't say a thing until I get a pen in my hand,
Cause I'm still looking back & yelling at myself for trying to be a better person.
All those evils I've endured & still I put myself through more,
I'm looking back & wondering why the hell I do that.
Maybe its because I used to think I was evil,
Looking back I realize that I still feel like I am.
I've been trying for years to change this horrible side of myself,
When I look back on that I think maybe its wasted effort.
Every night there is a different figure of each past hurting me,
I sit up & start looking back wondering when the afflictions will finally stop.
In the end it doesn't matter what I do or say,
I'm still here looking back on things I wish I wasn't a part of.
But you were there, so was I, & you did something horrible that I'll never be able to forget.
So I'm still here looking back & counting all the scars I wish you'd never given me.
