Ouch. This poem was filled with immense pain and I like how you went about describing your feelings. The emotion you put into each line drips from verse to verse. I also would like to say that your imagery was something else as well as I found it to be very powerful and was full of life as if I could see the picture in my head. I also have to say that the depth of this poem is incredible as a hidden message could be interpreted in this poem.

I tried picking a favorite part but I really was entranced by every inch of this poem. The pain is very overwhelming and also beautiful in such a sad way. All in all I really liked this poem from beginning to end and there is not one thing I would change. Well, maybe the length. so I could make a little longer but I still like the message just how you have it.

Anyway once again you have blown me out with your incredible poetry. Great job and keep writing.

As i'm windswept with stale breaths of atmosphere

^ wow! great wording! I like the word "stale" and how you used it...different!

the zenith of which I still reach for with chiseled hands,
^ yet again, chiseled! great word to describe the hands in this poem! loved it!

as I wish to sculpt these valleys
into peaks 'til they become
nearly unreachable like you have as of late,

^ I dont think I can tell you how much I loved these lines...I'm quite jealous that you came up with some a good comparison! This was amazing

Over all I'd say 5/5 ...I really really enjoyed this piece

"Curiosity scrapes my heels,"

Such raw imagery....I like how you take such an intangible feeling and aspect like this and turn it into something where the reader feels and hears those shrill claws.

"inflaming patience"

Haven't heard that word in a bit "inflaming" flows so nicely, I just really like this line for some reason, it speaks out.

"as i'm windswept with stale breaths of atmosphere,"

What a chilling description here, it literally gave me shivers. "stale" has always been a influential word I use in poetry, and it works so swiftly here.

"like a stiff shore beneath my heart;"

Striking simile, it is quite powerful to say "stiff shore", because when I think of a shore or beach, I imagine life and movement, happiness from the waves....but when you explain it like this, it kind of ties that immobility of the waters into your own soul, where you cannot function properly again. Everything is still.

"I hit nadiral point for I miss all you once were,
when you were Kilimanjaro -"

I like how you portray Mount Kilimanjaro here, and how you miss that activity almost...it is amazing...the emotion just boils out...

Great vocab, this is extraordinary.

"the zenith of which I still reach for with chiseled hands,"

Such pain with "chiseled hands"- really brings the reader into that deepness of a cut that has perpetuated you.

"as I wish to sculpt these valleys
into peaks 'til they become
nearly unreachable like you have as of late,"

Mouthful, I kind of had to read this part three times. A great sadness dwells here as you try to rebuilt that thought.

"transforming into a foreign love
with a snow-capped ego, elevated."

What an ending, it truly intrigues me, you have such a complex mind and your words echo this undying message.

An entrancing poem, please keep writing as you now I need to catch up on reading!

Love,
MA

I really liked reading this poem. It was heartfelt and really strong. I liked how you picked you title based on country

5/5

I guess you already know what I think *~hugs~* well done

Creative and well worded. It was full of intense emotion but it was like you were somehow holding back. I guess we all do that to an extent. Or like myself you found it hard b/c you can't reach that deep.. This was and is amazing. It gets right to the core and drips with agony... I enjoyed this but it made me feel frustration for you.. Well done on this piece. I sincerly hope that you feel better soon.

Danika
xxoxoxx

Disagree with Britt here; I think this is one of your most accomplished poems to date; the language is particular and coherent and the sadness is not lost through the metaphors you have presented.

You've developed and learnt well as a poet and I'm happy you're writing like this - choosing to step outside your comfort zone and attempt to paint bigger pictures.

'like a stiff shore beneath my heart;
I hit nadiral point for I miss all you once were,
when you were Kilimanjaro -
the zenith of which I still reach for with chiseled hands,
as I wish to sculpt these valleys '

is very professionally written. Nadiral is a very uncommon word - not often used at all in the English language but it works here. It adds an aura of mystique and authenticity which I like.

The ending is well thought out and precise with the message of reaching a peak of a relationship and the effort involved not lost because of the poem's preciseness and succinctness. This is the kind of poem we should be seeing on the front page.

Well done to you for this. A lovely write.
You say you spent a while on this piece? It shows.

It might need another draft because the first quarter of the poem is a little rusty but the rest is so well penned. Nominated for sure.

I have seen your skills evolve into something admirable. This is absolutely a tremendous piece, as well as your choice of words. Similes are to be used to create vivid mental images in the mind of the reader, for example looking at yours " a stiff shore beneath my heart ", this is utterly brilliant!

I have also used Kilimanjaro a few weeks ago (for Danny's contest) and this piece turned out to be fantastic, it's amazing how a certain subject is all we need to spread some inspiration around :)

Good work!!

I think whatever i need to say was said..this is my favorite by u ever.am blown away jacey..def. a winner!!!

Absolutely brilliant piece of work. This poem is powerful and not overly long trying to get out the message, which takes talent. It is obvious you have got it. This poem is proof.
Excellent Job!

Temps
What a awesome write. The word choices and imagery are wonderful. You have pained a very vivid picture for the reader.
Excellent job!
Love Cindy

Congrats on your win :)

I liked this. You have some REAL talent

Beautiful, simply beautiful. My dearest friend has been in Kenya for grad work for the past year, and often posts/sends pics of her trips to Kili - I am sending my Wazungu friend a link to this poem now. Thank you for this piece.

Your poetry is good and also very average alot of is bland also try and take on a totally different subject and leave your comfort zone you are only starting to fool your self if you don not move on the same message is been repeated all the time in your poems i would like to see more creativity and who knows maybe you will surprise yourself

Beautiful imagery, I like the flow of this poem.

5/5
Jenn

You are such a wow... missed this piece so came back to readdddddddd it <3