On the day it happened
The world never stopped turning.
Time never stopped moving
And there were no tears at first.
I can't remember how it must have felt
To hold me in your arms,
After pushing and screaming
To get me the hell out.
I can't imagine the look you must have had
When they handed me to you.
But I do know now
How it felt to have all the love you had to give.
I can't remember what you wore the last day I saw you
Before courts and lies
Before suddenly,
I'm not living with you or father anymore.
I can't remember the days you gave me my siblings
Nor remember the face you must have had.
Because I was with someone else,
Someone who wasn't you.
I can't remember the way your face must have shone
When you called to wish me happy birthday.
Or sometimes,
Just to tell me that you loved me.
I can't imagine how you must have felt
Knowing and learning
That your daughter was growing up without you
She was becoming a woman all on her own.
I can't imagine the feelings you must have felt
When your little girl graduated high school.
You were there and the most beautiful mother of all
But from all the years
A gap still lied between us.
Your feelings still I did not know.
I can't imagine how you must have felt
Hearing the doctors tell you
There wasn't much time left
Because the cancer was eating away at you.
I can't imagine how you must have thought
In your last days.
Or what you were going to say
To those who loved you very much.
I can't know what was going through your mind
The first time I visited you.
Lying in the hospital,
The words I couldn't say hanging between us.
I can't imagine how you must have felt
Knowing you were dying
And being able to smile at the little girl turned woman
You'd always loved with all your heart.
I can't imagine how it must have felt
The last visit
When you couldn't remember anyone's faces,
The drugs keeping you alive.
I can't know what your last thought was
Before you passed on
A single breath there,
Then gone.
I may not know how you must have felt
Thought –
But I know how I felt.
I felt loved when you brought me into this world
A sense that I belonged here
In your arms
And nowhere else.
I felt abandoned
When I was taken from you
And the man who I called father.
I felt sad,
Leaving behind a life I wanted to live.
I remember feeling happy
Rushing to the phone
And every time you told me you loved me
I never hesitated to say it back.
I wasn't scared when I started becoming a woman
My period didn't frighten me
I only knew
It was supposed to happen.
I felt confused because didn't growing up
Mean I wouldn't be your little girl anymore?
And if that was what it meant
I didn't want to grow up at all.
I felt proud and happy
The day that diploma made it to my hands.
And when I saw the most beautiful woman in the crowd
I couldn't help but shed a tear or two.
You had come and seen me grow up
And it was enough.
I remember the day you told me
The doctors said something was wrong.
My heart plummeted to my stomach
And I guess then was when I knew.
So when you told me later on
It was cancer
All I could do was walk with a heavy heart.
I don't know what you thought your last days
But I know you weren't afraid.
You smiled and laughed
It was hard to know
One day,
I wouldn't hear it anymore.
I don't know what you thought my first visit
But there weren't many words between us.
I didn't know what to say
And you waiting for me to say something,
Anything at all.
I don't know how you managed to smile
When you were in such pain
But right then and there
I knew:
A mother was strong
And I would be strong with you.
I don't know how you felt
Not knowing anyone around you.
But I know you knew me.
When it was time to leave
I took your hand in mine, said
“I love you mommy.â€
And it was hard not to cry
When your eyes fell on me,
And you smiled.
I don't know your last thoughts
But I know what mine were.
I'm proud of you momma
You were strong and beautiful.
The night they called,
I didn't cry.
You were strong momma
And you didn't cry,
So neither would I.
The funeral was small
With the ones who had known and loved you.
I was there
With my siblings beside me
And for the first time
Surrounded by memories of you
I cried.
I cried because even in death
You were strong and beautiful.
On the day you died
The world didn't stop turning.
Life kept going and time kept moving.
So I'll smile
Because even after you died
You world never stopped turning.
~I miss my mother more than anything, she was a wonderful woman. So I dedicate this to her. And to all the cancer patients, or those who have lost loved ones to it, I'm with you. Be strong. This isn't the end, for them, it's a new beginning. R.I.P. Mom~
