4 A.M thoughts

Sitting here questioning my own thoughts my own memories wondering why now all of a sudden you're back in my mind you left for the longest period of time days months even years went by that I never thought of even your name but now out of nowhere there you are in every thought in every corner of my mind but why? is my mind trying to tell me something telling me I'm suppose to think of you that in my thoughts is where you belong?or is my mind playing games with me again like it has before I've been down this road I know where it ends I know how it feels will I make the same decision again? or this time will I block it all out? if I try to do so it will be hard I myself have no clue why this is hard for me you'd think it'd come easy considering everything you've put me through but for some unknown reason this is terrifying hard for me letting go is hard painful in a weird way but again I have no clue why I'm not sad infact I'm extremely happy I have a new life and I love it but yet my thoughts are leading back to the old and the what ifs..what if things wouldn't have changed like they did..what if I wouldn't have just gave up so easily....what if it was you here with me tonight...all these questions are slamming around in my head echoing making it hard to hear anything else but yet I brush them aside go on everyday trying to ignore my own thoughts but its for my own good bc I no longer have just me to think about...what about her laying in my arms looking up at me with her beautiful eyes..and what about him sleeping in his bed thinking of me while I'm awake thinking about you...how would he feel if he found out how would he react those things I never want to find out so ill just go on everyday not acting on the thoughts that linger in my mind but ill suppress them ill no longer think about the what ifs or the what could have beens ill go on with my life as you go on with yours ill never forget you for my mind wont let me even though I so badly wish it would so this my past friend is a painful goodbye